Why I Believe in Courtship

There’s an article popping up all over my Facebook newsfeed entitled “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed” and I simply cannot let this one go without saying something.

If I’m being honest, this article really upset me. The author took courtship out of context and attached his opinion to it without any proof. Though he may say that “more courtships end in divorce” and phrases such as this, there are no statistics or facts to back this up. Be careful my friends, of articles that come on strong, with big words and judgmental stances yet do not have proof or a balanced view. I also caution young people to carefully think over the author’s advice at the end of the article where he asks you to talk to your parents about “why you want to date” instead of court – yes, talk with your parents about your thoughts and feelings, but be careful not to manipulate or dishonor your parents.

I’m not here to tell you that I only believe in courtship. I don’t. I’m not here to tell you that if you liked that article you’re wrong. I’m here to tell you from my experience and from my study as a daughter of Jesus how courtship has changed my life and my view of romance.

For years, I longed to love. I didn’t ever have a boyfriend or go on dates, and I had long determined in my heart that I would save dating for a time when I was mature enough to handle it, and for a time when I found a man that I would be willing to work on developing a relationship with over time. I was not interested in the “date a bunch of people until you know what you want” theory, as I just saw it as a chance to have my heart broken time after time. I do not believe that dating a bunch of people helps people to make up their minds about “what they want”. After all, isn’t it about what God wants for us? Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” This was sort of a go-to verse for me, and reminded me to constantly keep my heart aligned with God’s will and not get over-zealous about the things that are not life-giving. For me, I find that being focused on Jesus and what he is asking of me is the only way for me to guard my heart from all the distractions that this world has to offer.

Relationships require work. I don’t know anyone in this world who would disagree with that! Love is a beautiful sort of work that requires effort, attention, and 150% dedication. How can one apply this to a relationship when they only go on one date with a person before moving on to the next? I do understand that sometimes one date is all it is going to require before you know that you will never go out with that person again, and I don’t disagree with that. However, intentionally looking for many people to date seems to defy God’s purpose for marriage. Our God is a very intentional God – His plan is perfect and He knows our end and our beginning. From Creation, God created one woman for Adam, He did not give him a handful to choose from. God knew who Adam was to have, and He gave her to him. I want to be able to put all of my effort and all my might into a focused goal, and I believe that one relationship is all you need to be able to learn how to love and cherish and learn God’s plan for marriage.

I met a man two years ago who asked to pursue a courtship with me. I said yes. For years, I had determined in my heart that God had a courtship in store for me. I didn’t really know what that looked like, I didn’t know anybody who had yet gone through one, yet I believed strongly that God was asking me to wait on him. I waited on his timing, and he brought me a beautiful love story. No, it doesn’t always work this way. There is no perfect formula for dating/courtship/marriage, and you must listen to God when he asks you to obey. Our courtship is beautiful, and we are constantly seeking advice and wisdom from those around us who have been through the hills and valleys that come with relationships, and we are earnestly seeking God’s will for a marriage between us. Our courtship is beautiful, and it is God-driven. There is intentionality that focuses our relationship and keeps us yoked together, pulling in the same direction. Having a purpose for your relationship is critical: God does not ask us to make many plans in our heart, but to listen to His purpose (Proverbs 19:21).

I truly feel that having many casual relationships is dangerous. Chasing after a “good time” and doing what’s “normal” and “having fun” are not the focus of God’s plan for us. Does God create fun and joy? Of course, but to say that having fun is more important than a serious relationship as this article says is not Biblical. I believe that the belief that dating is only for fun comes from our world’s humanistic view of how to have a good time. One does not need to be on a date to have joy, and having fun is not a critical part of life.

God does not ask us to try out ten different gods before we choose him, why would we say it’s the same with dating? If God has set a plan in motion, why not seek out that plan rather than trying ten others first? Obedience to God is the most important factor, and if He is asking you to wait on Him, I believe that is much better in the long run, and you should not chase after all the things under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:14). Relationships that die in a day are meaningless, and don’t encourage long-lasting relationships.

God calls us to be stewards, and I view myself as a steward of the heart and purity that God gave me. I believe that I am to guard my heart and not give pieces of it away with relationships. By being intentional with relationships, the pieces of my heart are not given away to the wrong people, and my purity is guarded. I am a steward of the love God has placed in me, and I am to save it and give it wisely to a man I can love until death.

While my boyfriend and I have been courting, we have come across people who do not understand us at all. Honestly, that’s fine. We don’t care! We love to tell our story and help people see what makes our relationship special and how we have done things differently. However, along with that come some misconceptions.

1. We don’t date. – This is just simply not true. Even though we call this a courtship, we go on dates, sometimes in a group, sometimes just the two of us. We get to know each other through these interactions and have had great talks. Dating is important to get to know each other, and I am not at all opposed to dinner every week together!

2. It’s always awkward. – This is one of the funniest comments I had from someone: “Isn’t it always awkward to try to be moving toward marriage?” Uh, no. Having marriage be the purpose of our relationship opens up many conversations. We are able to talk about what we want out of marriage and what we believe God is leading to, because that has been our intention from the start. No awkward “I wonder if he likes me, maybe he’ll propose someday” thoughts, but an ability to talk about anything and it’s completely normal! Yes, it was awkward at first to talk about marriage and the future, but now it’s a daily subject!

3. Purity Rules are Obsessive. – This one’s not entirely true. We do have “rules” we have set for ourselves regarding purity because we believe that it is important to God. We vigilantly guard our purity, but we do not obsess about it and make it the only focus of our relationship. It is vital to maintain this purity, but it doesn't have to be done in a way that is all-consuming. We don’t have them written out or set in stone, but we know what is expected of each other and how we should interact. We are careful in our touch, and we listen to the people we love and trust when they have a suggestion. This doesn’t mean we are legalists and anti-affection, but that we are careful to remain pure and holy in God’s sight.

4. It’s going to end in marriage. – Courtship does not always end in marriage just as dating does not always end in marriage. It’s different for everyone, but courtship allows both parties to be able to talk about whether the relationship is going in a direction or staying stagnant. My boyfriend and I made a commitment at the beginning that if it was not going to lead to marriage, we would end the relationship to protect our hearts from becoming any more entangled and emotionally connected. This allowed us to be honest about our feelings, and to protect our hearts from becoming involved in something that would never lead anywhere.

5. It’s always intense. – Simply not true. Yes, we have purpose. Yes, we have a direction. Is that a bad thing? We still have a lot of days that are spent just laughing and enjoying each other’s company. It’s not all marriage-talk all the time, and it’s not all serious all the time. We have learned how to just be ourselves and take each day’s challenges in our stride and work through them together as best we can. We are learning how to take the serious bits of life and find the God-given joy throughout.

6. It’s always hard. – No, courtship is not always hard. Relationships are hard work, but I never view them as a trial. Relationships are a blessing, and a way for God to work in us and teach us compassion for others. Life can be hard, therefore relationships are hard, but if you look at the blessings and joy that come from them, they balance out every difficult thing we go through.

7. Parents control the relationship. – My parents and my boyfriend’s parents are heavily involved in the relationship, because we asked them to be. They do not control us, but they give us wisdom when we ask, advice when we need it, and direction when we are lost. Our parents are wise and God-fearing, and we trust them to help steer us in the way we should go, because they have raised us this far, and we love them. “Honor your father and mother, for this is right…”
This courtship has been the most amazing experience of my life, and I truly believe that this was God’s will for my life. A relationship with direction is assuring and leads to loyalty and trust, while many short relationships can lead to doubt and confusion. I am not here to tell you that courtship is the only way – I ask only that you will read this and find a new perspective.

I have been in a courtship for two years, and I don’t believe anyone would tell me that I should have dated a bunch of people instead.

“Let no one look down on you because you are young, but sent an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

Because He is Faithful

It’s late. Far too late. Why I’m writing this in the middle of the night is beyond me. Perhaps it is because I keep wavering between fear and excitement and I need to get my emotions down on paper.

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for: I finally get to submit my application
to nursing school!

I’m trying so desperately not to give in to the fear that threatens to overwhelm me.
I’ve learned throughout this last semester that trusting and obeying what God is telling me to do is absolutely the best way to relinquish my fears. I have been a witness to God’s faithfulness for so long, and I have especially seen it throughout this last semester.

My friends, God is SO good. I have been utterly blessed throughout this whole college experience, though at times it seemed so dark and scary. I have grown to be able to trust in what God is doing and how he can work through me in circumstances that seem hopeless. I’m not going to give into the fear that I so often succumb to. I’m choosing tonight to give this completely over to God: there is nothing more I can do but wait, trust, and continue to serve my Lord.

I received the following verses as blessings from my family and friends for my birthday, and they fit so well with this situation. Is it not incredible how you can read a verse a hundred times and yet one day it becomes even more meaningful?

“Cast your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you…” (1 Peter 5:7)

Lord, I have seen your faithfulness and the way you constantly watch over me. I have been delivered out of so many terrifying situations, and it is so evident that you care about everything that happens to me.

“Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word…” (Psalm 119:36-37)

Lord, I want only to do your will. I believe that nursing is the passion that you have placed in my heart, but ultimately I desire only to serve you. If nursing is not my path, then I trust you. If it is, then I trust you. Preserve my life, Lord, and direct me with your word.

“Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing…” (2 Timothy 2:21)

I am your vessel, Lord, and I will go where you send me. Let my ultimate desire be to serve you.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart, I will glorify your name forever…” (Psalm 86:11)

No matter what happens, Lord, I will serve you. With undivided attention, I will follow you.

“The Lord within her is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning he dispenses his justice and every new day He does not fail…” (Zephaniah 3:5)

You have been faithful before, you will be faithful again. I know you do not fail, Lord Jesus, and I trust myself in your hands.

“We’re being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life…” (Titus 2:12)

I praise you, Lord, for the life you have given me. Let my life be what You desire and let it honor you forever.

“The shaft of his spear was like a weaver’s beam, and his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron. And his shield bearer went before him…” (1 Samuel 17:7)

Lord, I do not need an army to protect me as Goliath required. I need only You to go before me and guide my steps.

“May the God of hope fill you will al joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit…” (Romans 15:13)

I have a hope and a peace, Lord! You will go before me and lead me onward. I have such a deep trust in the fact that your will is being done.

I trust you, Lord, and leave this in your hands. Thank you for your faithfulness and your incredible blessings.

May it be so!

On the Brink of the Future

Time flies by.

Tomorrow I begin my official college journey. To say I’m afraid barely scratches the surface! However, I know I can rest in the knowledge that this is where God is leading me and that nursing is a piece of the story God is writing for me.

My mom and I went and walked around campus to find my classes last week, and it hit me that this is my new reality: walking around a campus with thousands of people I don’t know, taking classes that will stretch and challenge my intellect, and spending hours and hours away from home.

While I am learning to look forward to many aspects of college (mostly the education part of it), it scares me to think that I’m going to be around so many people who don’t love Jesus. However, isn’t this a great opportunity to reach out to people and show them what the love of Jesus can really do?

I’m not an extrovert by any means, though I have come a long way since early high school. Meeting people is not my strong suit, but I have learned to love hearing other people’s stories. I’m purposing now to be friendly and make the effort to meet people so that maybe I can one day tell them about Jesus. I have such an enormous opportunity to make a difference, and aren’t I the one who said I want to change the world? Well, if I can change even one person’s world, it will have been worth it.

Lately, I have been clinging to this verse:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing,” James 1:2-3.

I know I will be facing many trials at college. There is a huge temptation to become stressed and overwhelmed. Exams are time-consuming and difficult. The nursing program is extremely competitive.

Yet, I am to count it all joy. God is asking me to tackle these trials with HIS help, and not rely on my own ability. If I don’t understand this concept, how will I be successful at college? When preparing for an exam, I am to count it as JOY. When a person attacks my personal beliefs, it is JOY. I’m not sure anyone can fully understand this concept, but I’m going to do my very best to live it.

I have to purpose now to tackle college with courage and joy with Jesus right by my side. If I jump into college life without taking God’s hand, I will simply be drowning in my own weakness.

So, dear readers, you are my witnesses:

I, Molly Michele promise to courageously walk into college with the purpose of reaching the lost, learning all that I can, and preparing for the future. I will maintain a positive attitude, count all trials as joy, and hold tightly to Jesus so that I do not wander from His path. I will allow this journey to refine me, making me what God sees as beautiful. I will allow myself to see God’s hand in my life, ever molding and shaping my character.

As I step out my front door tomorrow, I will not look back. Though I desire to stay home with my family, this is my new reality. I will not remain in the past, always discontent. I will walk forward with courage and purpose, joy flowing through me. College is an opportunity, an investment in my education, a tool of refining.

I’m on the brink of my future, and I will step forward in faith, holding tightly to my Jesus.

“Begin the day joyously, and let no shade of doubt come between you and the eternal sunshine…” – Charles Spurgeon.
Go

A Time of Preparation

This last week and a half has contained some of the best days of my life! I graduated, and was able to spend a great amount of time with family that I haven’t seen for awhile. It still hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m graduated and moving on to college. In some ways, I don’t want to, and yet I’m ready all at the same time. Confusing much?

This last week was spent with my sweet cousin Johanna, who I could not live without. Her wisdom and love for God always inspire me, and she and I had many long, deep conversations – some even lasting until three in the morning! I was so blessed by her and her wisdom, that it inspired me to write this post.

Many of our conversations this week focused on marriage and what we are looking for in the man we would one day want to marry. This question is often at the forefront of my thoughts, even though I know I’m still so young yet. However, if I’m not preparing to one day be a wife, how can I possibly be ready when that day does arrive?

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I’ve gone through long periods of confusion over whether I should go to college and pursue my dream of nursing. Well, I have finally decided that yes, God is calling me to go to the University of Northern Colorado, live at home, and earn my nursing degree through a lot of faith and perseverance. In many ways, I am very excited! I love to take care of people, and it is a profession that fits my personality exactly. At the same time, though, I’m facing a lot of fears and apprehension over this whole “college idea”.

And then it hit me. One day out of the blue, I finally realized why going to college has never been exciting for me. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me – why didn’t I get excited when I talked about college like so many of my friends did?

I finally realized that nursing is not what I desire most out of life. Truthfully, if God called me to another place or asked me to give up this dream, I would have very few regrets. I do love the idea of nursing, but it is not my deepest desire. Nursing is not what I dream about in my spare time, nor is it even at the top of my mind.

First and foremost, I desire to be a wife and mother. To me, there seems to be no greater gift or calling on my life that I could desire any more. Since I was very little, I always knew I wanted to be a mom – this was evidenced in my frequent playing of “bride” in my white dress and in the fact that I carried a doll everywhere. Many girls my age want to achieve their dreams and careers first before even considering the fact, but not me. I sometimes wonder how long God will ask me to wait before bringing a man of courage and character into my life. How long will it be until my deepest dreams will be fulfilled?

And yet here I am, making college plans and wondering what the future holds. Strangely, I’m more at peace than I think I have ever been. I’m feeling so blessed at this moment in everything that God has brought me through that I know deep down that, in this time of waiting, I’m called to go to school and to become the nurse that Jesus wants me to be. Sometimes I don’t understand and I question God’s judgment. And yet every time, I come to find that it is my lack of faith that causes these thoughts to cross my mind. I’m so grateful that God is revealing His plan to me, no matter how resistant I have been.

Yes, I desire to be married and have children (in fact, I want a very large family), but God is calling me to a time of trusting Him. I have no idea how long it will last, perhaps a year, perhaps thirty, but I know that the perfect man will come into my life at the exact moment that God has planned for me.

In the meantime, I have been going through several books that are teaching me to pray for my future husband and that are allowing me to dream, but to not try to run ahead of God. The pressure in our world today to have a relationship is huge – but I know that God is calling me to withstand that temptation until a man that I know I could marry comes into my life. This is a time of preparing, a time of waiting, a time of trusting that God is in control and that I am called to do His will in the meantime.

I want to know that on the day I walk down the aisle in a white dress staring into the eyes of a man I love, I have done everything God has asked of me in the meantime. So, as I head off to college and start my journey into adulthood, I plan on preparing myself to be a wife and mother as well as a nurse. I am not going to sit and waste time until my deepest dreams of being a wife are answered – I am going to stay busy in the meantime doing God’s work, allowing Him to work through me in whatever way He chooses. This is a great leap of faith for me, and yet I’m also releasing my fears to Him, and He is granting me security and a sense of peace as I tackle a new adventure.

Young women, remember always that God loves you with His whole heart – He will always be there for you, no matter how long your time of preparation and waiting is. Turn to Him and He will be the guidance that you need. “Friends who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5a). Let God be your beloved first, leaning on Him first, allowing Him to work through you first. Don’t jump ahead of God’s plan! In time, His whole plan will be revealed, and you will find that in the times of waiting, there was a specific purpose.

This is who I want to be: someone who is always preparing, always waiting on God, and always trusting that His will is what I am seeking. I want to be the woman who sought God through all her confusion only to find that He had written a beautiful love story for her that was revealed at just the right time.

“LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1

I've Been Here Before

If you have followed my blog for very long, or have known me for awhile, you may remember that last spring was a very difficult semester for me. Between a teacher that attacked me for my beliefs, being afraid of nursing school and its challenges, and never wanting to grow up, I had chosen to let all the pressures get to me and make me depressed and angry for a good portion of 2011. Well, after I realized my mistakes and was sweetly broken by my Savior, I made a promise to myself in my journal that I would never let myself get to that point of desperation, exhaustion, and anger again.

I would like to say that I’ve been 100% successful – but I haven’t.

These last months have been hard, and I’ve wanted to give up and forget nursing altogether. Once more, I’ve told myself that I can never be worth anything, and that I shouldn’t bother because it is just too hard.

I’ve been here before.

I’m at a point where all I can see is the bad in everything. I might have a good day at school, but all I can focus on is the one subject that I simply don’t like. I might have a good day at work, but I let myself remain angry at a person for some small reason. I might look outside and see the beautiful sunshine, and all I can think about is how much homework I have.

I’ve been here before.

When everything turns into a complaint or a source of anger, they why do I bother getting up in the morning? It would be better for me to keep to myself than to be horrible and burdensome to my family and friends. If I don’t allow myself to hope and see the future, then why should I go to college, become a nurse, work hard?

I’m telling you today, that without hope, life is extremely painful.

I haven’t let myself be happy in a very long time. I complain as I get up, I complain as I go to sleep. I haven’t allowed myself to except the joys, no matter how small, that God gives me each and every day. I don’t want to be an unhappy, angry, grudge-holding person – I don’t! And yet, this is exactly what I have become.

And I hate it.

I hate my attitude, I hate my actions, I hate the words that flow so easily from my mouth.

So I should just give up, right? I should realize that no matter what, I’m not perfect, and I should move on to something else.

I may have been here before, but I’m going to turn this around and change myself. I’m not going to give up, no matter how hard my life is right now.

Being a senior is so weird sometimes – it feels like you’re on the edge of a cliff almost ready to be pushed off, but you can’t quite leave and you can’t quite stay. It’s an in-between, it’s a transition. And it is so, so hard. Some days, I just want to move on to college, and other days I just want to be a little girl. No matter what, though, I’m going to tackle whatever it is that God has in store for me.

If I was to be completely open and honest, I would tell you that I do not like school. (Please understand that this does not include homeschooling – I only dread going to my community college classes.) I love to learn, but I do not like feeling like I am wasting my time on silly pre-requisites that have absolutely nothing to do with nursing. God has called me to be a nurse, and in my heart, I know it is what I want to do. I know I will love it, and yet I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I may have to take ridiculous classes that frustrate me to no end in order to get to the point where I can serve people in a hospital setting or on the mission field. In my mind, the excuse is always, “Why would God make me suffer through all the horrible things at college for FOUR YEARS? How could God possibly want me to do this?”

And yet I know. It’s for a bigger purpose. Did Jesus want to die on the cross? No. But did He obey because He trusted His Father? Yes. I want to be like that. I want to have that kind of faith. I can’t bear to keep going at this steady, downhill pattern that always ends up with tears and pain.

I’ve been here before.

But I’m not going to stay here.

Tonight, Lord, I give myself over to you once more. As the tears flow, I know God that you are here. Maybe I’ve lost my way for awhile. Maybe I’ve been forgetting to turn to you with my problems. I know I’ve been a complaining, grumpy jerk for the last months.

And I don’t want to be this way anymore.

You created me – and this person that is so unhappy? That is not me, Lord. That is only Satan trying to persuade me that I’m worthless, that I’m nothing, that I’m hopeless.

You’re picking me up, God, and I can feel you reassuring me. It’s so hard, Lord. So hard. I don’t like growing up, and I don’t always know why I have to do the things I have to do. But I want to listen to you always. I want you to be my hope and my future.

Take me where you will, Jesus. I lay myself once more at your feet, tears streaming down my face.

I have two more months of high school. Two more months until another journey begins.

I want to end it with joy, not pain and anger. I want to end it by bringing glory to your name.

I’m not worthless. I’m not a quitter. I’m here, Lord, come near to me. Be my guiding light and give me the wisdom to always turn back to you when I’ve lost my way.

I don’t like school, God, but that’s okay. I’ll survive as long as you are there. I want to be a nurse, God, I know I do! I’ve just lost my way and can’t remember the passion I used to have for helping people.

Break me, Father. I need you. Bring back to me the gentle and quiet spirit that I have so long tried to achieve.

Tonight, I promise to find the joys of life again.

Tonight, I promise to smile genuinely and to realize the many blessings I have been given. Oh, I am so selfish! How could I ever forget what God has done for me?

I’ve been here before.

But this time, I’m going to change.

Joy. Peace. Patience.

And most of all, resting in the arms of my Beloved Savior.

“Know also that wisdom is like honey for you:
If you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 24:14

““Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,
and many will court your favor.” Job 11:13-19

18

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I will be 18. Truthfully, it doesn’t seem real yet! But, as I sit here in my last night of being a minor, I’ve been reflecting on what that number really means.

You see, I have been told in the past few weeks by several people that I’m turning the “magic” 18. The first time someone told me that, I didn’t get it (I’m usually a little slow in getting jokes…). Finally, I figured out that everyone calls it “magic” because you are finally an adult.

Well, I have news for you. “Adult” does not always equal “mature”.

No, really!

Just because I will legally be an adult and I can vote does not mean that overnight I will be responsible and “all grown up”. Overnight, I am not going to hit a phase where I never have to listen to my parents again.

Even if tomorrow I wake up and think about how I’m legally an adult, not much is going to change. I will still be living at home, I will still have a job, I will still play with my siblings. Though the world tells me that, at 18 I can be responsible for my own choices, I have been raised with thought that I have ALWAYS been accountable for my actions. Yes, I may be ready to take on some extra responsibility, but I can’t become prideful and begin thinking that I know everything.

Pride is something I have always struggled with, mostly because I absolutely hate to be wrong. I have often disagreed in a not-so-nice way with my parents and they more often than not, they are right and I am wrong. However, I want to purpose this year to accept the wise counsel of my parents, not turn away from it. So many people that I know reject their parents as soon as they are old enough to leave home. But, I have always found sound advice from my parents, and I don’t want to turn away from them now. When I start college, I know I will need them, as I can become very overwhelmed and stressed. So, while I live at home, I will remember that this is NOT my house. I must be respectful and obedient to my parents all of my days, but especially while I live under their roof. I’m very excited to be growing up (well, I am most of the time, anyway) and I always want to value their generosity and take nothing for granted.

One day, when I marry and move out, I want to remember my time of living at home and learn from the experiences that I had there. My family is wonderful, and I want to pattern my own after them some day. So, Mom and Dad, 18 is just a birthday. It’s a milestone, yes, but I want to always be faithful and kind to you, Noah, Lexi, and Jesus.

Just because tomorrow is a special day, doesn’t mean anything will change. I will always love you and do my best to respect you. I will always value your opinion (even if it takes me a while to come around) and I will always try to submit to your wisdom.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but not much will change. I will still love my Lord, and devote myself to His will. What a wonderful year of life this has been… Although it has been filled with trials, I have learned more than I could ever have imagined. I thank the Lord for his faithfulness and everlasting love.

18 is just a number, and yet it is the beginning of the rest of my life.

“Lord, your discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You restore my health and allow me to live!” Isaiah 38:16

“ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.” 1 Peter 1:3-4

Home

Home.

Home is where your family always cares and always loves.

Home is where your dog will run to the door to greet you even though you have only been gone for a few minutes.

Home is where you can find rest and comfort in your family and your friends.

Home is where your church will take care of you in a time of need.

Home is where people care enough to say, “How are you today?”

Home is where your friends write you spontaneously just to tell you they care.

Home is where you make new friends and keep the old.

Home is encouraging and comforting.

Home is where you belong.

Home is where your mother will hold you after a hard day.

Home is where your brother will tell you that you are beautiful, even if you only have on jeans and a sweatshirt.

Home is where friends ask you to go ice skating, even though you don’t really belong with their group.

Home is where your sister holds you while you cry over the trials of life.

Home is where your father congratulates you on a scholarship to the college of your choice.

Home is where you can dance at any time in any place.

Home is where you can curl up with a cup of tea and your Bible and seek God’s wisdom.

Home is forever.

Home is unconditional.

This is not my home.

My home is in heaven.

At home, I will not have tears.

At home, I won’t have to take medication for my uncontrollable pain.

At home, I won’t need my Bible…I can get it straight from the mouth of my Savior.

At home, I will have countless friends who love and care for me, but most of all worship the same Savior as I do.

At home, I will have my church around me; my church will worship at the feet of Jesus.

At home, I can dance for my Lord with sweet abandon, and not worry about what others think.

At home, I will be made a new creation, and won’t need to be told I’m beautiful.

At home, I will have a host of angels cheering me through the Gates of Heaven and showing me my name in the Book of Life.

At home, there is eternal peace and love.

At home, I am safe and secure.

At home, I can bow at the feet of my Jesus and praise his name forever.

This is home.

“But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:16

The Eyes of the Lonely

Oh my poor little blog! I did not mean to neglect you... This semester has been crazy, but full of experiences that I can't wait to share!

This semester I chose to take an intense 5 week CNA (Certified Nurse's Aide) course. By the grace of God, I am happy to announce that I passed my state board exam and am now certified!


This course allowed me four eight-hour shifts at a nursing home to do my clinicals. Those four days truly did change my life...I met so many beautiful people and felt like I was able to learn what being the hands and feet of Jesus truly is, no matter how hard or sad the job.

As a CNA, I basically took vital signs, assisted people to the bathroom, fed those who were unable, gave baths, cleaned up some very unpleasant messes, and sat with those who were at high risk for falls. Glamorous, right? The first day of clinicals, I was shocked at my response to several of the situations I was placed in. I felt completely comfortable after about an hour, and I began enjoying every moment I could spend with the couple of hundred people I met. The relationships I established were amazing, and I felt like I made a new friend every day.

And then I met Mr. E. this man couldn't use his arms or legs, couldn't speak, and would only eat ice cream. While this may seem funny, it was nothing compared to his eyes. As I sat at the table to feed him his ice cream for breakfast, I couldn't help noticing that he was always looking down at his hands. I started talking to him about nothing terribly important, and he finally raised his head and looked at me full on.

I gasped at what I saw in his eyes.

Loneliness.

I have never seen someone look so sad before in my life. His eyes screamed at me, and I didn't know what to do. It was such a shock, I immediately started praying. I prayed for his health, that God would keep him safe. I prayed for his soul, that God would reach him through his pain. I prayed for his eyes that God would take his loneliness and turn it into hope.

I went home that night and collapsed in my mother's arms, completely broken by my experience. That night as I cried for Mr. E., I opened my Bible and searched for something, anything that would help me. I came across one of my all time favorite verses, and I let it become my theme for the week.

Isaiah 40:30-31"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

Some of the people I took care of that week were over 100 years old, and of course they were tired! That does not mean, though, that they should be ignored or written off. Mr. E., for example was often ignored by the other CNA's because he couldn't communicate. It broke my heart to see all these lonely people milling about with no purpose,

Please look around you. There are so many who have no friends, no family, no purpose. Seek them out, and serve them as Jesus would. It is not always fun, and you may not only be appreciated, but it is what Jesus would do.

This post is for B. who, even with a severe birth deformity managed to be beautiful.

This post is for D. who cried when I told her that I would only be there for a few days.

This post is for M. who was blind, but still asked for nail polish to make her "presentable" for church.

This post is for B. who suffered from terrible pain, but still maintained a sweet, honest spirit.

This post is for Mr. E. who changed my heart.

This post is for the lonely, who need the love of Jesus.

For Miss Haley

(I am so proud of my friend Haley. Why? Because she is joining an amazing mission to Slovakia with her family, and is letting God direct every step she takes, whether it is in America or not. This post is dedicated to my sweet friend, who I may not see for many months, yet who will always be my friend and confidante.)

Well, Haley? It’s been over 10 years since I became your friend. Remember when we used to sit together in first grade and we would compare our math scores? Do you remember how we became friends? I remember both of us being absolutely terrified of dogs, and whenever someone brought their dog in for show-and-tell, we would run to the library and wait for show-and-tell to be over. I remember holding your hand at recess, playing dolls, and doing each other’s hair. I don’t think it took us very long to become close friends! I remember your dad taking us to church with him, and we would take our dolls and climb into the choir loft. I remember singing next to you in choir, and being absolutely thrilled when you were chosen as Becky and I as the teacher in Tom Sawyer. I remember growing up with you, and how excited I always was to tell you what was going on in my life, and learn what was going on in yours.

I know that we became so close so fast because of the common thread that runs between us – Jesus Christ. I have watched him work in your life and change you from a quiet young girl, to a beautiful young woman. I have watched God mold your heart for His purpose, and have laughed and cried with you through all of our experiences!

You are truly a young woman after God’s own heart. I watch you model the behaviors that God desires, and I see you worship him in everything you do. You have no idea how my heart swells with pride as I watch you take on new adventures. Sometimes I cry to God and beg him not to take you away from me, but He always reminds me that there are others who can be blessed through your sweet spirit and encouraging words.

I don’t want to share you with the world, Haley, but I know that God is using you for a great purpose. I will miss you more than words can say, but I am so excited to see what God is using you for. I don’t know where he will take you after you minister to Slovakia, but I know that we will always have Jesus in common, no matter what changes.

Thank you, Haley, for all you have taught me in the 10 years we have been together. Thank you for always reminding me to trust God and lean on Him as my strength. You have always been a great example to me, and I am so grateful that God has brought you into my life. I want to send you off with this note as a blessing, so that you may always know that I love you, and am so proud of you and your family.

“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” Psalm 20:4

“He is the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them— he remains faithful forever.” Psalm 146:6

God is faithful forever, and he has great plans for you. I love you more than anything in this world, Haley, and I will miss you every day you are gone. Thank you for stepping out in faith and following God’s calling on your life. Although it hurts to let you go, I know we are both striving for the same beautiful ending: heaven and God’s open arms.

I love you, Haley.

Your sister in Christ forever and always,

Molly

Nine Years Ago...

I can’t believe that it has been nine years since I became a Christian. I was eight years old, and I remember everything about that day so clearly. For months, I had been taking long walks around the neighborhood with my parents discussing all the aspects of God that I wanted to understand. I remember how on May 18, 2002, there was an urgency in my spirit that was crying out. I went to my parents and asked them with big tears in my eyes if I could be baptized. We invited some of the most important people in my life (my grandparents, first-grade teacher, and my family) to share in the celebration of the biggest decision I ever made.
This year has been a tough one for me. Between learning how to handle college-level courses, growing up, and getting treated unjustly on several different counts, my relationship with Jesus has grown in three main areas: Faith, Prayer, and Compassion.

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#1 – Faith.

I am not proud of the way I handled a lot of things this year, but I know that the tears that I cried late into the night were all for a reason. My college level classes stretched me not so much academically, but in learning how to deal with real-life situations. It was hard for me to go to class, hear all of the negative comments, foul language, and sad life-stories and not come home depressed or overwhelmed. Having a teacher that disagreed with me on almost every count did not help, either. However, I learned through this experience that, even in the hard times, it’s okay to let God take the lead.

There were about two weeks in April where I literally just lost it. I cried every day, and decided that I did not want to be a nurse. I screamed and shouted at God, demanding that he change the plan he has for me. I decided that college was not a Biblically sound choice for a woman and that if I went, I wouldn’t learn anything, and I would only be wasting time and money. And I decided this all in a two-week period where I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Yeah, that wasn’t a smart idea. Then one night, I listened to Britt Nicole’s song, “Have Your Way” at least eight times on the way home from work. I got home and just cried out to God, asking him to help me. I gave up my will, my wants, and my way and let him once more take the lead. Taking a leap of faith is not something I like to do, but I felt God call me so clearly, that I knew there was no other way. I had exhausted every other path, and come up with nothing but heartache and confusion. I do not know if God is still leading me to nursing, but I am confident that I can trust him, follow him, and let him lead me through every area of my life, whether I like it or not!

#2 – Prayer

I think prayer is the area of Christianity that I struggle with almost constantly. I get so distracted when I pray out loud, but I don’t go very deep if I only journal. I feel like I learned this year how to pray almost constantly; in the shower, in the car, at work, during school, and at dance. When I see someone who needs prayer, I have tried to just stop right there and pray for them. Maybe my prayers are not very long, but I try to make them meaningful. There have been countless opportunities for me to witness in the past few months, and I have been trying to take them all, making sure I reach the people who are in need. I know I will always struggle with prayer, but I am glad that I can always come to Jesus with the situations I am put in!

#3 – Compassion

I am not always a very compassionate person. Well, that’s not completely true…I can be very compassionate to young children, but I am not good at being compassionate with my siblings or adults. Inside my head, I often think, “Oh, brother…” or “Just get over it!” and I know these thoughts are not from God. I have tried to focus on being sweet and full of grace in every situation. Believe me, it’s NOT easy, and I am still working hard on it!

I saw a video clip this year entitled, “Every Life Has a Story.” It really enlightened me to the fact that those who treat me unfairly do it because of something else in their life. Perhaps they are only taking out their anger on me because they are truly angry at somebody else. I hate being treated with disrespect, and I have had too many instances this year in which I have gotten angry and lashed out at someone, only to find out that what they are going through is much worse than my situation. It hurts when people hurt you, but I promise, if you love them instead of retaliate, you will not feel awful later. This year, when I have been treated unfairly, I have asked God to rain down blessings upon that person. Somehow, asking God to bless, instead of curse, these people has helped me realize that their story may explain the reason why they are choosing to hate me. I may never know why, but if I choose to show compassion instead of hatred, I will be satisfied, and God will be pleased.

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May 18, 2011. My ninth spiritual birthday. Wow. God has helped me through so much in these nine years, and I can’t imagine what I will be able to say I have learned by next year.

I want to make an apology to my family. Mom, Dad, I’m sorry I’ve been disrespectful and scared about college and what I think God has in store for me. You are more often than not right about life, and I really will try to listen to what you have to say. I love you both so much. To Noah and Lexi, I love you both, and will try to show compassion toward you when you need it. I would do ANYTHING for you, and I pray we get to spend some quality time together in my last year of high school! To my Grandma and Grandpa, thank you for the extra love and care, and for taking me out to lunch to give me some good straight talking! You have no idea what an impact it has made on me.

And last of all, though certainly not least, I’m sorry Jesus for not trusting you. You are my God and King, and I will serve you until the end of my days.

Amen, amen!

Perfection

I don’t even know how to describe the last two months. It has been the hardest two months of my life, and I am not proud of the way I have handled it. I am not proud of the way that I have doubted God. I am not proud of the way that I finally landed at His feet. All I can say is how thankful I am for finally realizing something very important.

I really hate admitting my faults. I don’t think it is probably easy for anyone, but a lot of the time I don’t like to admit them to other people. What you probably don’t know, is that I internalize every mistake I make and then yell at myself inwardly for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. It doesn’t matter how big the mistake is, whether or not I’ve been forgiven, or even if it wasn’t my fault. I take everything personally and bottle everything up until I explode.

For the last two months, my schedule has looked like this:

Sunday: Church 8:00 AM (if on Worship Band, make that 7:00 AM). Homework. Rest.
Monday: Biology 105 9:00-11:30. Homeschool 12:00-2:00. Dance 5:00-7:00.
Tuesday: Homeschool 9:00-1:00. Study/Homework for Biology. Work until 9:00 or so.
Wednesday: Biology 105 9:00-11:30. Homeschool 12:00-2:00. Church 6:00. (Worship band until 9:30)
Thursday: Homeschool 9:00-1:00. Lab Report for Biology. Dance 4:00-6:00. Family time.
Friday: Homeschool 9:00-12:00. Lunch with Grandma/Grandpa. Work until about 10:00.
Saturday: Work most of day.

It is an understatement to say that I have been busy. I’ve told my parents that sometimes I feel like I have been so busy, I can’t do anything well. It bothers me to not have time to encourage my friends, play with my siblings, or even walk my dog. It bothers me that I often cut my quiet time short to sleep for five more minutes. None of these things are right, and I have let them slide because of everything else that I have to do.

I’ve made some pretty silly mistakes in the past couple of months, and I think I have blamed a lot of them on a lack of sleep. While something can be said for being a little stressed, it is not right for me to be taking out my stress level on my family. It’s not right that I cry myself to sleep just at the thought of everything that I have to do the next day.

Through all of this stress, I have also had to take the ACT and study for my upcoming SAT, prepare a 10 minute long presentation for Biology, and take three Biology tests, study for one more and a final. I came home bawling on Saturday because I was not happy with the way the ACT went. I don’t even have my scores yet, and I am already convinced that I have failed. Never before have I struggled with a standardized test, but now I feel like a stupid failure for running out of time during the math section, even though math happens to be my best subject.

Every comment from someone telling me that I need to do better, every mistake in something I do at work, every marked down lab report or exam from Biology translates into a failure in my mind. Why is it so hard for me to keep going? Why is it so hard for me to be able to let a past mistake go?

My mama figured it out. I have spent many nights lately crying and complaining to her. About a week ago, she said something that helped me find my way back to trusting God.

“Honey, you don’t have to be perfect!” my mom said.

Oh, right.

I don’t have to be perfect – in fact I never will be! There is no way on earth that I will be able to be perfect, and all God asks is that I do my best and follow Him! He is not asking me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but to give my burden to Him, to trust HIM with my troubles.

Isn’t it interesting that Satan is attacking and wearing me down with perfection? Isn’t it interesting how my need to be perfect has only made me less than before?

My cry tonight as I once more turn over my burden to God is the following:

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint!” Isaiah 40:28-31.

When I am weary Lord, take my burden and keep me from falling. I will not grow weary, for you are with me.

“’Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46:10-11

You are God, not me. Let me hear your whisper in the breeze, and not get caught up in the clamor of the world.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

Here is my burden, Lord. Take it from me and give me the sweet rest that my soul is craving!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O Jacob, O little Israel for I myself will help you, declares the Lord, your Redeemer the holy one of Israel.” Isaiah 41:10.

I remember when my parents used to read this verse to me when I was afraid of the dark, Lord. I remember when that was all I ever had to fear. My troubles may be a little bigger now, but God you are still big enough to take care of them!

“O Lord God of heaven the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel.” Nehemiah 1:5-6.

My prayer reaches your ears, God, and I know you have heard my cry. Thank you for always being attentive to me.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11.

God, you are watering me and bringing me to life again. Thank you for reviving me with your loving kindness.

“If perfection could have been attained through the Levitical priesthood (for on the basis of it the law was given to the people) why was there still need for another priest to come – one in the order of Melchizedek, not in the order of Aaron?” Hebrews 7:11.

Jesus, I don’t need to be perfect because you are. I will strive to be all that I can be, but I will not take the weight of the world alone. I will bring it to you through prayer and allow you to carry me through this life.

I don’t need to be perfect. God has it covered. I will be okay, and will learn more than I ever imagined through this. God is with me, and all I have to do is my best – nothing more, nothing less.

I cannot be perfect by my own power. Only by His power will I be able to trust. Only by His love will I be able to continue.

I’m not perfect.

But God is.

A Cry for Christian Modesty

This post is a cry from my heart. At the risk of offending you, I am going to speak the truth. Please know that the truth that I speak here is spoken out of love and a deep sadness of the direction that Christian modesty has taken.

Everywhere I go, I am bombarded by immodesty. At school (I am taking a dual-credit class at a Community College), at work, at dance, and even in my own church. It confuses me to think why there is so much immodesty in the church. Shouldn’t we protect our bodies and clothe them appropriately at church? Shouldn’t we dress modestly everywhere?

I recently read Jeff Pollard’s book, “Christian Modesty and the Public Undressing of America.” In my opinion, I think every woman, man, mother, father, daughter, and son should read this book. It really opened my eyes to some of the issues that I need to deal with in my personal life, and gave me a clear understanding of why we should dress modestly. In this book, Pollard says, “You are NOT your own, if you are a Christian. Your whole being – body and soul – is the purchased property of Jesus Christ; and the price paid for your body was the breaking of His…”

As a Christian, you MUST understand that your body has been sanctified. Now, we must dress like we are sanctified! If we strut around in immodest skirts, dresses, pants, and shirts, we are defiling the body that Jesus has made holy. We are throwing mud on the temple of Jesus Christ. We are allowing the world to ruin the purity that God has given to us as a precious gift.

I cry out to Christian girls of all ages: Please protect your bodies. They are a precious gift from God, and meant to be holy and pure. Do not defile them with immodesty. Check your hearts! If you are wearing a short skirt to “showcase” your legs, then you have a heart issue. Dress as you would if you were to be taken directly to the throne of God. Would you wear a revealing dress in front of the God who created you to be pure? No! You have been sanctified, and are ordered by God to dress modestly. 1 Timothy 2:9 says, “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyle or expensive clothes…”

I cry out to Christian women: Just because you are older or married does not make these rules of modesty go away. Actually, they should be just as strict, because YOU are the ones who set the example for the younger women. Remember Titus 2:7, “In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching, show integrity and seriousness.” You, too, are created to be holy, and must dress accordingly. Cover up the body that God has given you so that you may be as modest as possible. I am not saying that you are to wear long, unflattering robes. Dress attractively without being seductive. And yes, I promise that it is possible.

I cry out to Christian fathers: Please protect the women entrusted to you. Whether it be your daughter or your wife, make sure that they are dressed in a way that is pleasing to God. Do not let your daughter leave the house without first making sure that their outfit is not one that will put them in danger. This may sound ridiculous, but the way a girl dresses has a huge effect on what the men around her think. Protect your daughter. Pollard says, “Although women are vulnerable to wearing lavish or sensual apparel, their fathers and husbands are ultimately responsible for what the women in their homes wear.” If you truly love your wife and daughters, protect them at all times.

This is my cry out for Christian modesty. Jesus has sanctified you, and you are called to dress in a manner that is an example of purity.

You are called to be holy.

Cora's Story: Part 3

(Ten years later)

“Mama. Mama! Let me in. I have news!” I had been sound asleep, dreaming of something soft and peaceful when the loud knocking woke me. My daughter, Hannah, who was usually so calm, was shouting at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night. I groaned as I got out of bed, noticing keenly that I was not as young as I often believed I was.

“What is it Hannah? Is it the baby?” I asked, worried now. My Hannah had just given birth to a baby boy several weeks ago, and I wondered if it had taken sick. “No, Mama. It is much worse than that,” she said dismally.

What could be worse than a sick child, I wondered. “Well, Hannah? What in the world could be troubling you at this hour?” I asked, slightly annoyed that she had not left me to my sleep if it was not my grandchildren.

“It’s Jesus. He’s been arrested and taken to Pontius Pilate, and they are going to crucify him tomorrow,” Hannah said, tears sliding down her cheeks. Inwardly, I groaned. Not this again. My Hannah had devoted herself to serving Jesus ever since the day that he ‘healed’ Isaac. I still did not believe it was his doing, but Hannah had come to believe that Jesus was the Messiah as Mary had claimed.

What nonsense. My Hannah was fooled too easily.

“Hannah, don’t start with me. He’s not the Son of God, and maybe he did something to deserve crucifixion,” I said bitterly. I felt a twinge of guilt, and knew that I was lying. I had always taught my children that no one could do anything worth a death as horrible as being crucified, and here I was not even consoling my frightened daughter.

“You’re wrong, Mama. You’ll see one day,” Hannah said, real pain showing in her eyes. She got up and left, and I looked out the window and watched her walk down the street. I sighed heavily, knowing that I would be arguing with my daughter like this for days to come. I climbed back into bed, and Michael rolled over to look me in the eyes.

“I believe Jesus, Cora. Why don’t you?” he said, tears shimmering in his eyes. I looked at him in wide-eyed disbelief. He had never expressed any belief in this man, and I was shocked to see the faith he had showing passionately in the tears that slid down his face. “Michael! You can’t be serious!” I cried. He looked at me in sadness, and then rolled over again and went back to sleep. I tossed and turned that night, trying to make any sense of the crazy belief both my husband and daughter held with. They must be crazy!

Sleep did not come until the early hours of the morning, and when I finally woke up, it was past breakfast time. I opened my eyes and saw Michael leaning over me, trying to wake me up. “Cora, get up quickly. I need you to come with me,” he said gently. I figured he needed help with the chores and felt like a terrible wife for not getting up and making him breakfast. Quickly, I pulled on a warm dress, and pulled my shawl over my head for modesty. When my husband began to put on his shoes, I looked at him curiously. Where were we going? I was too tired to ask, however, and I made myself put my shoes on and follow him out the door.

“Michael?” I asked curiously. “Trust me, Cora,” was all he said. I yawned tiredly, and followed him along the road. We walked toward the center of the town, and I saw crowds lining the streets. Many of the people looked strained and some were even crying. I did not take long to wonder at this, though, since I was still befuddled from sleeping so late.

When we got up to the hill at the edge of town, however, I saw what was about to take place.

Michael had taken me to see the crucifixion of Jesus.

“Michael, no. I can’t watch this,” I said anxiously. No matter how much I disliked Jesus, I couldn’t watch him die!

“Cora, I need you here. You are my rock, and I need you to lean on. This is a dark day, and I, too, am afraid,” Michael said, his voice breaking. I looked at him in bewilderment. Never had I seen my husband show such emotion! Already, tears were coursing down his cheeks, and I had never seen him cry before. I resigned myself to the difficult day ahead, and allowed him to lead me closer to the front.

WHACK. CLANG.

I heard metal hit metal, and I looked up ahead in horror. Mary’s son, the man called Jesus, was being nailed to the cross.

WHACK. CLANG.

My stomach lurched, and I was grateful that I had not eaten anything that day. The noise was horrible, and I could barely stand still I was so agitated.

WHACK. CLANG.

The third nail went through the man’s feet, and I looked at Jesus’ face. Agony and sadness crumpled the man’s face, and yet I could see his determination to not cry out. How could the man be so brave? It must have been excruciatingly painful, and yet he did not yell like the other men did.

For the first time in a long time, I saw something special about the man. Something that was not present in any man I had ever known.

Had I been wrong?

The soldiers hoisted the cross up, and Jesus hung limply from it, tears finally streaming down his cheeks. I looked to my right and saw Mary, my long-ago friend staring in horror at her song dying in such pain. Images flashed through my head, and I thought about how that could have been MY son. The pain inside my former friend was evident, and her face was streaked with tears, her chest heaving with sobs. I turned around, not wanting to watch Jesus die, and looked all around me.

There were more people than I had first realized. In fact, there were more there than I had ever seen gathered before. What hit me next was the looks on the faces of the people. Tears were evident on nearly every face, many were crying out to Jehovah for help. These people were followers of this Jesus, and I had never seen such a devotion to anyone before. It reminded me much of how my sweet Mary had been towards Jehovah before I had utterly abandoned her.

I turned around, and Jesus’ eyes met mine. In all of his pain, he still conveyed a compassion that broke my heart.

In that instant, I knew I had been wrong. Very wrong.

My knees buckled, and I fell to the ground on my face. Michael leaned down beside me, but I would not let him help me up. I sobbed, crying out to God to rescue me from my bitterness, and take my life instead of the life of the man on the cross. I cried for the years I had wasted and the people I had hurt, but most of all for the main barely breathing before me, who was being sacrificed for something he didn’t do.

“My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus cried, and the anguish in his voice made me sob all the harder. Was that not what I had felt when I had disbelieved Mary? That God had abandoned me? How wrong I had been!

“It is finished.” Those quiet words, made everyone in the crowd look up and see that Jesus was dead.

The man who had healed my heart, now left the world, and I had not apologized to him. My grief overwhelmed me, and once more I pressed my face to the earth.
A soft hand on my shoulder made me look up, and through my tears I saw Mary.
“I have waited for you to believe, Cora, and now you have!” Mary said with hope in her voice. I was overcome with the forgiveness she was able to show me though it was people like me who had caused her son to be hung on a cross...

“Oh, Mary! How horrible I have been to you. I don’t know how you will ever forgive me, and now your Jesus will not even have the chance to listen to my confession of guilt!” I cried mournfully.

“Cora. He has heard it, and you are forgiven,” Mary said. I looked in her face and saw the truth shining in her eyes. Jesus had seen my sins and that was why he had died. So that I, a poor, bitter, begrudging old woman could be forgiven.
The weight of sin lifted from me, and I cried for all that I wish I could have told Jesus, but then Mary’s soft hand cupped my chin.

“It’s not over, Cora. It’s not over,” she said softly.

I did not yet know what she meant, but I let her take my hand and together we walked home, grieving for our Lord but hopeful for what was yet to come.

(I hope you have enjoyed my Christmas series. I have enjoyed writing it, and have felt God take my faith somewhere that it is not always at during Christmas when I am often preoccupied. I hope my words have given you a new perspective for the season. Merry Christmas!)

Cora's Story: Part 2

(Continued from Part 1...)
(Thirty years later…)

“Hannah, come here. Quickly, now!” I yelled. I was weary, and could not bear to call for my child another time. My husband, Michael, was several towns away, looking for work to provide for our family. We were married twenty-five years ago, and have only two children. Hannah and Isaac are good children, though they are often disrespectful and rude. I was nearly past my child-bearing years, and I wished desperately that we had been able to have more children. But God must not have meant it to be so, and I tried to remain content.

For some reason, however, I was always angry about something, and I could not do anything about the bitterness that I carried about within me. Deep inside, I knew that it stemmed from my jealousy of Mary. She had given birth to the “Savior” and he seemed like a perfectly normal child. There was nothing special about him. Although he is grown now, I have yet to see him save the world. Mary had gone on to have eight more children, and I was jealous of her ability to have such a wonderful family.

I have not talked to Mary since that fateful day when she told me of her pregnancy. I let myself stay angry at her, and, even now, I have no intention of forgiving her. What she did was just too wrong for me to let go of. Do I carry a grudge? Perhaps, but she deserves it.

Hannah finally came in from outside, her face red from the cold. She went straight to the fire and began warming her hands and cheeks. I watched my daughter and thought to myself how beautiful she was. Nearly twelve, she was nearing the age of womanhood, when she would think of marrying and leaving me. I tried not to think about it, but I did know that it was inevitable.

“Why were you calling me, Mama?” she asked. “I need you to find Isaac for me. I haven’t seen him all morning,” I said. Hannah nodded and went off in search of her brother. Isaac was forever getting into trouble, though it seemed that trouble usually found him. I sighed at the thought of bringing up such a rambunctious boy, but I knew that Michael was teaching Isaac how to be a man. Though he was only seven, he had a love for life that I admired.

When I watched Isaac laugh so joyously, it made me realize that something inside of me had died; the part that loved life and looked for the good in every situation. Bitterness and anger had become such a part of my routine, that I did not even try to change my ways.

“Mama!” came the cry from outside. I pulled a shawl over my shoulders and hurried outside to see what was the matter. Hannah was hunched over something in our field, and I ran over to see who it was.

It was Isaac. Nearly frozen, he lay collapsed on the ground huddled in a ball. I felt his forehead. It was a fever higher than I had ever felt before.

“No,” I breathed. It couldn’t be my Isaac. My beautiful, lively boy was laying there, closer to death than I had ever seen before. “Hannah! Run and fetch someone. The doctor. Someone!” I yelled. Hannah’s frightened face melted my heart, and I lay a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. As she ran off, I lifted my sweet boy into my arms and carried him inside. I wrapped him in blankets and tried to get him to drink water, but all he could do was moan and tremble.

My son was dying.

Hannah came running back with a man I had not seen in a long while.

It was Jesus. The man who I had come to loathe.

“What are you doing here?!” I screamed. Jesus looked at me calmly, taking my hand and leading me to a chair. I could not speak. Why was he being so kind to me? He went over to Isaac and sat on the pallet next to him. He took my son’s hand and looked at him with a tenderness I had never seen before. Part of me wanted to scream at him to stop touching my boy, but something inside of me stopped and I watched in wonder as he breathed words that I could not hear into Isaac’s ear. What seemed like only a moment later, a short gasp came from Isaac’s lips, and his eyes fluttered open. I hastened to his bedside, and looked into his face.

His fever had broken.

I looked at Jesus in bewilderment, and he looked back at me with eyes that told of something I had never seen before. I still do not know what it was, but I do know that it was something I had never seen in a man here on earth. I looked up to thank Jesus, but he had already gone, slowly shutting the door and leaving without expecting any thanks.

My bitter heart melted only slightly, and I realized that maybe I could be wrong. Months later, I had come to think of the miracle as only a coincidence. Jesus had only been there at the exact moment Isaac’s fever had broken. It wasn’t his doing. It was luck. Chance. Coincidence.

My heart hardened even further, and I thought that nothing could break through the wall I had built around my heart. Nothing could touch me and erase the bitterness encasing my ability to forgive.

Nothing could break me.

Cora's Story: Part 1

(Last year for Christmas I wrote a four-part story from Mary’s perspective about the birth of Jesus. This year, I am going to take a fictional perspective from a young lady named Cora, Mary’s best friend. No, she is not real, but I imagine that Mary must have had somebody like Cora in her life. So, without further ado, here is Cora’s story.)

It was unbearably hot. I could barely breathe from the oppressive heat, much less work inside my dirty, muggy house. I asked my mother if I could take a break and go visit Mary, my best friend. I was given permission, and so I began the five-minute trek to Mary’s home. While I walked I thought of all of the things Mary and I had done together. Since we were knee-high babies, we had played and laughed together. We were never separated for long, and I was grateful to have such a faithful, inspiring friend.

Mary was always sweet and kind, and I had rarely seen her become angry. I trusted Mary completely and knew that she was my faithful friend and confidante. Never had I had a reason to distrust her or doubt her words. After pondering all of this, I had finally reached Mary’s house. I knocked on the door, but no one answered. I could smell bread baking, and I knew that Mary or someone had to be home. I knocked louder, and upon hearing no response, I lightly pushed the door open. Peeking inside, I saw a strange sight.

There was Mary, on her knees in the middle of her family’s house, eyes scrunched shut and tears pouring down her face. I thought that surely something must have happened to her. Had someone hurt her?

“Mary. Mary!” I cried frantically. Her eyes flew open in surprise, and I saw something in her eyes that I had never seen before: wide-eyed wonder. “Mary, what has happened? Is it your family? Say something!” I pleaded. Her mouth opened and closed without uttering a word, and I was clueless as to what had happened to my poor, beautiful Mary.

“It’s all right, Cora. I’m fine. More than fine, actually. I’ve just seen an angel!” Mary said, glowing in a way I had never seen before.

“Mary, you must be feverish! Let me help you to your bed…” I soothed. “No, Cora. I am not feverish. I am with child,” Mary stated calmly. It was now my turn to open and close my mouth soundlessly. My Mary, my pure, honest Mary was pregnant. How? What had she done? Was it her fiancé, Joseph’s fault? Who had done this to her.

She must have seen the thoughts racing through my head as she placed a hand on my shoulder and said, “Cora, I am a virgin still. This baby is born by the will of God. He is allowing me to be the mother of the son of God who will come to save the world from all of this sin and turmoil!”

Something inside of me snapped and I felt bitterness begin to flood my body. “How could you, Mary? How could you lie to my face like this! I may not be married, but I know of the way a child is conceived. That God gave this babe to you is a lie. A lie! How could you convince yourself of such nonsense? Do you really think that Joseph is going to believe that notion? Do you think he will be pleased with your news? I think not. Mary, how can you lie to my face?” I cried, real tears pouring down my face.

“Cora, please! I have not done what you say. I am a virgin!” Mary sobbed, pain and sorrow overshadowing her beautiful features. Anger rose up inside of me, and I shook Mary by the shoulders. “You lie to yourself, Mary. I cannot be friends with a hypocrite,” I said angrily.

Mary’s heart-wrenching sobs only doubled the pain in my heart, and I began to walk to the door. “Mary, I will not be back until you confess your sin and stop lying to yourself. I am no longer your friend,” I said coldly.
I put one foot outside the door and Mary said quietly, “One day, you will see, Cora. One day, you will know that I carry the Messiah.”

Bitterness hardened my heart and I sent one last angry look at Mary before stepping outside and slamming the door. My sweet Mary was a hypocrite and I would never look at her again. Never.
To be continued…

Neverland

I’ve been thinking an awful lot about how I am going to have to admit that I am growing up. I am a junior in high school this year, and all I can think about is how much I DON’T want to grow up. I suppose that I am sort of excited for college, but all I really want to do is stay home with my family forever and ever.

I guess what I want is Neverland.

I want to be able to dance forever, always learning and growing in my ability to praise and worship God through ballet and pointe. Knowing I will have to give it up in a year and a half is very difficult for me to swallow. It has been such a part of my life since I was three years old, that I simply can’t bear to think about it.

Maybe I could dance in Neverland.

I want to stay here with my brother and sisters and continue our special dates to get smoothies, books, and ice cream. I want to always be within earshot of them if they should need me. My little brother is about to turn thirteen, and I know there will be trials ahead of him. I only wish I could stay here forever with my wonderful
siblings, so that we could grow in our faith together.

In Neverland.

I have wonderful friends that I know will be going places other than here, and I can’t bear to see us get split up. My dear friend Haley and I have been friends since we met in the library in first grade, and she will be going to the other side of the world to do mission work. I can’t imagine what it will be like to be apart from her for so long. I want us to stay together forever.

Only in Neverland.

I’m afraid. Truly, I am. I don’t know exactly what God has in store for me, but I know that I will have to face many new challenges that I do not think I am ready for. Others tell me that I am ready, but I doubt myself so much. I want a place where I will be accepted readily and can be loved by everyone, a place where I can serve others and bless them as well.

In Neverland.

I suppose what I really want is a place where I don’t have to face my age or maturity. A place where I could sing and dance all day. A place with my friends and family that would always be there for me. A place where I would always be loved and accepted, never an outcast or a stranger. What I want will not exist until heaven, so i will grow up and take on responsibility. I will face the future eventually.

But for now, I can find it in Neverland.

“I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime – until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” Isaiah 46:3-4

He Can

There are a lot of things that I am struggling with right now. Not necessarily huge things, but they are things that are challenging me all the same. Many times when I have confided in someone, they respond with the usual, “You can do it!” But guess what?

I can’t.

Nope, not at all. I’m not being negative here, I’m just stating the fact. I am a sixteen year old girl that can’t do anything. By myself, that is… Thankfully, God can do what I am unable to do, and I could not be more grateful to Him.

This week I really struggled with the classes I am taking at the college this year. I have been very intimidated by English and Sociology, mostly because I feel so YOUNG. I was confident that I could succeed in the classes – until I started them, anyway. When I began my sociology class, I began to see all the different and strange opinions that these college students have. Sure, some of them agree with mine, but the majority of the opinions differ greatly from my opinions on life, faith, and God. I cried several times over the fact that this class is HARD. I felt totally unprepared for the strange topics I was given to write about. My mom helped me figure the class out, and I spent a few hours working on it. Through those hours, I prayed on and off for God’s help in this class. “God, help me be a witness. God, please help me to get a good grade. God, don’t let them be mad at me!” – these were the prayers running through my head. And then I realized something.

I can’t do this by myself. I am UNABLE. But, God can. He can help me when I feel afraid, when my beliefs are attacked, and when I am downcast. I can’t do it on my own!

I can’t, but He can.

There was also a time this week when I had to defend my faith harder than I have ever had to before. I argued and rationalized and witnessed for several hours, not realizing that I was missing a very important element. I was trying to witness and get this person to realize how very real God is, and I was trying to do this all by myself.

And guess what? I can’t. It is not up to me to convince a person to believe in God. It is not up to me to make someone believe. That is what God can do. It is NOT MY JOB. I am a messenger, yes, and I am here to plant seeds, but ultimately God will have to change that person’s heart.

I can’t, but He can.

Sometimes I feel very alone. Very scared. Very confused. Yes, I have friends, but a lot of times I do not call on them, or they are busy. I huddle in my room and throw a pity party, not realizing something very important.

I can’t face the trials in my life alone. I can’t do it BY MYSELF. I will be lonely all my life if I do not turn to Jesus when I am afraid.

I can’t do it alone, but He can help me.

I am so thankful that I am not alone. I have no words to describe the wonderful feeling of trust, faith, and hope all wrapped up in my love for Jesus and His love for me. I am so glad that God is big enough to save me from my sins. To save ME, a helpless and incapable young girl from loneliness.

Thank you, Jesus.

I can’t, but You can.

All the Right Things

Our world today has so many negative and false views of Christianity today, that it is hard for others to know what is really right and true about the life of a Christian. For instance, it is commonly believed that most Christians are hypocrites and do not really live the life that they claim to.

Is that statement true? Do the majority of Christians really use the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality?

Unfortunately, I think it is somewhat common among Believers. No, the majority is not lying about their faith, but the fact that there are still some that do not follow what they claim is truth. Because of these people, though, it taints the world’s view of Christianity.

We were driving to church the other day, and I began looking around at all the houses in my neighborhood. I made a comment to my mom that we did not even know half of the people living in the houses next to ours. I began thinking about how we did not know there stories and whether or not they knew Jesus.

We arrived at church, which is not even two minutes from our house, and I began thinking about all the opportunities I have to invite my neighbors to church. I get so wrapped up in my own bubble, my own life, that I forget to think about others and what I can do for them.

It is so easy as a Christian to say all the right things about your walk with God, while completely forgetting that there are millions of people all around you that need to find the love of Jesus! It is so sad that for so long, people have walked around doing and saying all the right things, yet forgetting to reach out to others!

I am trying to make that change in my own life. I want to love Jesus, do what is right, and reach out to people all at the same time. At work, home, church, and even the grocery store there are opportunities to touch someone’s life!

Instead of living in your own “Christian bubble”, we need to try and touch the people around us in a way that may plant a seed that will later blossom into a relationship with Christ. If this means praying with or without your family when you go to a restaurant, do it. If it means smiling and being kind to those around you, do it. If it means praying for someone who looks like they are in need, do it.

There are opportunities all around us, but if we only say the right things and yet do not live it, then all our efforts are worthless.

“He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' ; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' " Luke 10:27

A Captured Heart

This post is one I have started to write for two years. I know it needs to be said, but I am afraid of the comments I may get because of it. But God has put it on my heart that it is something that needs to be written. If you are reading this and are offended, please know that I am not posting this to be self-righteous or to make you feel bad. I post it out of love for you and for God. What I say here is not meant to make you angry or defensive… It is only to be thought-provoking and a small piece of advice.

Tomorrow, a movie comes out that many teens are extremely excited about. This movie is one that has been long awaited by many teens who have planned and waited for the midnight showing.

This movie (“Eclipse”) is the third in the Twilight series.

I have skirted around this topic for two years, because I know my view will not be popular. However, I know what it is like to be caught up in some guilty pleasure that I know is sin, yet cannot get away from.

My guilty pleasure is the show “Dancing with the Stars”. It pains me to admit it, and I do not want to, but I have watched the last couple of seasons, and I have watched it go from slightly unclean to extremely raunchy. I have been praying about this pleasure, and God has made it clear to me that it is a waste of time. Not only does it go against many of the Bible’s teachings, but it is filled with sexual tension and immodesty. It is not easy to give up, but I believe it is something evil that should be avoided by everyone.

It is the same way with Twilight. Girls have become so enamored with the idea of vampires, werewolves, and average humans that they have forgotten what reality truly is. They have become so caught up in the books that they overlook the sexual references, the detailed make-out scenes, and the explicit descriptions of body contact, and only think about the “good” aspects of it.

Whether or not you want to believe it, Twilight is emotional PORNOGRAPHY. It is something that draws you in, captures your heart, and makes you forget about the Bible’s teachings. I know many girls who have read the books countless times, and each time they talk about it, they speak of it like it an addiction and obsession. Like drugs or alcohol, these books draw the reader in and make them long for more.

It is sad to watch teenagers, even the Christian ones, become so enamored with something so fake. Vampires are not real, people, so why should you desire them? Vampires have long been associated with the Occult, so why should Christians make-believe that they are harmless? Perhaps they are not real, but they can still be extremely harmful to the hearts and minds of humans.

If Jesus came to your house, do you think he would approve of the Twilight books on your shelves, CD’s in your stereo, and movies in your home? I highly doubt it. If Jesus would go to the movies today do you think he would go to Eclipse?

All you have to do is look at the cover of the first book and see the evil that is inside. The apple on the cover should remind you of the fruit that Satan gave to Eve who gave it to Adam. This fruit is what allowed sin to enter the world. It was a temptation for both Adam and Eve, just like Twilight is a temptation for young men and women.

Matthew 26:41 says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." This verse accurately describes the feelings of teens toward Twilight. They do not want to do what is wrong, yet there is something so enticing about these books that they choose them over what is right. They seem harmless at the beginning, yet they become something so addicting, that they become more real to the teens than the Bible itself.

If you have gotten this far, and you have felt a conviction in your heart, then please choose to give up these books. Please do not let them enter your mind and corrupt it. I am not saying that it will be easy for you to give up these books, but it something that God asks everyone to do – Acts 3:19, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Ask the Lord to help you make it through your Twilight “detox” and to give you a time of refreshing and cleansing of your mind and heart.

After choosing to get rid of this area in your life, find something wholesome to replace it. Such as reading all the verses in the Bible about moral filth and immorality, or some good Christian fiction (if you need some suggestions, I can give you some good ones! I read a lot…)

Do not let your heart be captured by the evils presented by the world… Allow your heart to be captured by Jesus, who washes away your sins and allows you to begin anew.

To Save the Children

I have always loved staying in hotels, whether on a vacation or other reason. Recently, I took a trip to Denver with my family, and we stayed in a hotel for two nights. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the bathroom was a sign hanging from the towels. Being a very visual person, I picked it up and read it. The sign talked about how this particular hotel was committed to reducing the amount of water, energy, and waste and that, if I wanted to help them in this plan, I could hang my towel up on the rack signaling the maid that I did not wish for my towel to be washed that day. I did not think much of this sign, until I went out to the bedroom and saw a similar sign lying on the sheets of the bed. For some reason, the signs turned me off. It was not until later that night that I realized why.

This hotel (along with many other places) was so consumed with the fact of saving the amount of energy used and protecting the rain forest, that they were missing something very important. I am not saying that what they are doing is wrong at all…
In fact, I agree that we should be stewards of the things God has given us and not waste the blessings that we have been granted. I think the rainforest is one of the most beautiful things ever created and, while it should be protected, should NOT be at the top of the priority list. What should be of utmost importance? I’m glad you
asked…

The answer would be this: Children.

Why are these people so concerned with the environment, and not the four-thousand babies that are aborted EACH DAY only in America? In my point of view, I feel like we have missed something that should have been placed first on America’s agenda.

Yes, saving water and other resources is a good idea… But it has become more important than saving the children.

50,000,000. That is the number of babies aborted every year here in America. Fifty million babies that were never given a chance to live, to breathe, to cry. Wake up, America! If you must leave behind the project of saving the environment so as to save the lives of unborn babies, than do it! If we use up all our energy, water, and other resources, then so be it! The lives of helpless, beautiful babies are far more important than whether or not to wash a towel after only one use. If America (and other countries) could only direct these projects toward saving children, not the number of sheets washed everyday in the hotels, the silent cry of the babies would be comforted. Abortions are rampant in America, and it is very difficult to watch a place with over 850 hotels worldwide direct their efforts to something with so little meaning.

“The project will support the employment, education and healthcare for the approximately 2,500 people who live there…” This is a quote directly from this hotel’s website, and it is speaking about a rainforest in Brazil. Perhaps we are providing employment, education, and healthcare for people in Brazil, but we are extinguishing the lives of fifty million babies a year.

The unborn children are crying out to you. Will you answer?