On the Brink of the Future

Time flies by.

Tomorrow I begin my official college journey. To say I’m afraid barely scratches the surface! However, I know I can rest in the knowledge that this is where God is leading me and that nursing is a piece of the story God is writing for me.

My mom and I went and walked around campus to find my classes last week, and it hit me that this is my new reality: walking around a campus with thousands of people I don’t know, taking classes that will stretch and challenge my intellect, and spending hours and hours away from home.

While I am learning to look forward to many aspects of college (mostly the education part of it), it scares me to think that I’m going to be around so many people who don’t love Jesus. However, isn’t this a great opportunity to reach out to people and show them what the love of Jesus can really do?

I’m not an extrovert by any means, though I have come a long way since early high school. Meeting people is not my strong suit, but I have learned to love hearing other people’s stories. I’m purposing now to be friendly and make the effort to meet people so that maybe I can one day tell them about Jesus. I have such an enormous opportunity to make a difference, and aren’t I the one who said I want to change the world? Well, if I can change even one person’s world, it will have been worth it.

Lately, I have been clinging to this verse:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing,” James 1:2-3.

I know I will be facing many trials at college. There is a huge temptation to become stressed and overwhelmed. Exams are time-consuming and difficult. The nursing program is extremely competitive.

Yet, I am to count it all joy. God is asking me to tackle these trials with HIS help, and not rely on my own ability. If I don’t understand this concept, how will I be successful at college? When preparing for an exam, I am to count it as JOY. When a person attacks my personal beliefs, it is JOY. I’m not sure anyone can fully understand this concept, but I’m going to do my very best to live it.

I have to purpose now to tackle college with courage and joy with Jesus right by my side. If I jump into college life without taking God’s hand, I will simply be drowning in my own weakness.

So, dear readers, you are my witnesses:

I, Molly Michele promise to courageously walk into college with the purpose of reaching the lost, learning all that I can, and preparing for the future. I will maintain a positive attitude, count all trials as joy, and hold tightly to Jesus so that I do not wander from His path. I will allow this journey to refine me, making me what God sees as beautiful. I will allow myself to see God’s hand in my life, ever molding and shaping my character.

As I step out my front door tomorrow, I will not look back. Though I desire to stay home with my family, this is my new reality. I will not remain in the past, always discontent. I will walk forward with courage and purpose, joy flowing through me. College is an opportunity, an investment in my education, a tool of refining.

I’m on the brink of my future, and I will step forward in faith, holding tightly to my Jesus.

“Begin the day joyously, and let no shade of doubt come between you and the eternal sunshine…” – Charles Spurgeon.
Go

I've Been Here Before

If you have followed my blog for very long, or have known me for awhile, you may remember that last spring was a very difficult semester for me. Between a teacher that attacked me for my beliefs, being afraid of nursing school and its challenges, and never wanting to grow up, I had chosen to let all the pressures get to me and make me depressed and angry for a good portion of 2011. Well, after I realized my mistakes and was sweetly broken by my Savior, I made a promise to myself in my journal that I would never let myself get to that point of desperation, exhaustion, and anger again.

I would like to say that I’ve been 100% successful – but I haven’t.

These last months have been hard, and I’ve wanted to give up and forget nursing altogether. Once more, I’ve told myself that I can never be worth anything, and that I shouldn’t bother because it is just too hard.

I’ve been here before.

I’m at a point where all I can see is the bad in everything. I might have a good day at school, but all I can focus on is the one subject that I simply don’t like. I might have a good day at work, but I let myself remain angry at a person for some small reason. I might look outside and see the beautiful sunshine, and all I can think about is how much homework I have.

I’ve been here before.

When everything turns into a complaint or a source of anger, they why do I bother getting up in the morning? It would be better for me to keep to myself than to be horrible and burdensome to my family and friends. If I don’t allow myself to hope and see the future, then why should I go to college, become a nurse, work hard?

I’m telling you today, that without hope, life is extremely painful.

I haven’t let myself be happy in a very long time. I complain as I get up, I complain as I go to sleep. I haven’t allowed myself to except the joys, no matter how small, that God gives me each and every day. I don’t want to be an unhappy, angry, grudge-holding person – I don’t! And yet, this is exactly what I have become.

And I hate it.

I hate my attitude, I hate my actions, I hate the words that flow so easily from my mouth.

So I should just give up, right? I should realize that no matter what, I’m not perfect, and I should move on to something else.

I may have been here before, but I’m going to turn this around and change myself. I’m not going to give up, no matter how hard my life is right now.

Being a senior is so weird sometimes – it feels like you’re on the edge of a cliff almost ready to be pushed off, but you can’t quite leave and you can’t quite stay. It’s an in-between, it’s a transition. And it is so, so hard. Some days, I just want to move on to college, and other days I just want to be a little girl. No matter what, though, I’m going to tackle whatever it is that God has in store for me.

If I was to be completely open and honest, I would tell you that I do not like school. (Please understand that this does not include homeschooling – I only dread going to my community college classes.) I love to learn, but I do not like feeling like I am wasting my time on silly pre-requisites that have absolutely nothing to do with nursing. God has called me to be a nurse, and in my heart, I know it is what I want to do. I know I will love it, and yet I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I may have to take ridiculous classes that frustrate me to no end in order to get to the point where I can serve people in a hospital setting or on the mission field. In my mind, the excuse is always, “Why would God make me suffer through all the horrible things at college for FOUR YEARS? How could God possibly want me to do this?”

And yet I know. It’s for a bigger purpose. Did Jesus want to die on the cross? No. But did He obey because He trusted His Father? Yes. I want to be like that. I want to have that kind of faith. I can’t bear to keep going at this steady, downhill pattern that always ends up with tears and pain.

I’ve been here before.

But I’m not going to stay here.

Tonight, Lord, I give myself over to you once more. As the tears flow, I know God that you are here. Maybe I’ve lost my way for awhile. Maybe I’ve been forgetting to turn to you with my problems. I know I’ve been a complaining, grumpy jerk for the last months.

And I don’t want to be this way anymore.

You created me – and this person that is so unhappy? That is not me, Lord. That is only Satan trying to persuade me that I’m worthless, that I’m nothing, that I’m hopeless.

You’re picking me up, God, and I can feel you reassuring me. It’s so hard, Lord. So hard. I don’t like growing up, and I don’t always know why I have to do the things I have to do. But I want to listen to you always. I want you to be my hope and my future.

Take me where you will, Jesus. I lay myself once more at your feet, tears streaming down my face.

I have two more months of high school. Two more months until another journey begins.

I want to end it with joy, not pain and anger. I want to end it by bringing glory to your name.

I’m not worthless. I’m not a quitter. I’m here, Lord, come near to me. Be my guiding light and give me the wisdom to always turn back to you when I’ve lost my way.

I don’t like school, God, but that’s okay. I’ll survive as long as you are there. I want to be a nurse, God, I know I do! I’ve just lost my way and can’t remember the passion I used to have for helping people.

Break me, Father. I need you. Bring back to me the gentle and quiet spirit that I have so long tried to achieve.

Tonight, I promise to find the joys of life again.

Tonight, I promise to smile genuinely and to realize the many blessings I have been given. Oh, I am so selfish! How could I ever forget what God has done for me?

I’ve been here before.

But this time, I’m going to change.

Joy. Peace. Patience.

And most of all, resting in the arms of my Beloved Savior.

“Know also that wisdom is like honey for you:
If you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 24:14

““Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,
and many will court your favor.” Job 11:13-19

Another Layer, Another Lesson

As the beginning of a new year rolls around, I often contemplate what I have learned over the past year. Most of the time, I find that God has shown me many things and I have either chosen to learn them or ignore them.

While my family was driving home from church this week, I was looking at the road which was becoming quite rough and had many potholes. Now, this road had been fixed two years ago, and I was surprised that it was already so bad. I then began thinking about how the road is often like my spiritual connection with God. I begin in a state that I believe is perfect, and yet God wears down the layers of sin that still coat my life. It may make my road a little bumpier, but in the end it is all for good. Like the cars that have worn down the road near my house, God has worn away the layers of evil that I have failed to recognize.

Through all this “wearing away”, God teaches me lessons in trust and prayer. All lessons revert back to the Bible, and I can choose whether or not I want to accept this lesson from God. Sadly, I do still ignore a great many teachings from Him, because I am scared of what they will do to my life. And yet, when I take a big step in God’s direction, He rewards me with a strengthened relationship with Him.

So what have I learned this year? I have learned:

-A- How to work hard.

My job has taught me more about a strong work ethic than anything else ever has. Working in a place where everyone is in a different mood has helped me come out of my shy shell every now and then and be a friendly, smiling employee. I am so thankful for my job, and hope to continue there through college.

-B- To have God’s joy!

I think one of the most important things I have learned this year is to find joy in every situation. Although I do not always succeed, I know that God’s joy radiates through the happy and sad. Smiling most definitely comes from God, and I aim to use this gift often! Like my sweet cousin Esther, I want to laugh and smile through everything.

-C- To trust Him in everything.

Through the many good times this year, bad times have been lightly sprinkled. Throughout these times I have questioned God and wondered when He will come through for me, and every time I am reverted back to the Bible and its many answers. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” Proverbs 3:5, has become my rock that I cling to.

-D- To pray through all.

When 2009 began, my prayer life was practically non-existent. It was not because of the lack of time I had, rather it was because I chose not to pray. I decided to remedy that, and I have found strength through my newfound prayer life. I have a long list on my desk, and I every time I think to pray, I look at that list and ask God to fulfill that person with His all-consuming love. This has been a very good technique, and I have loved growing even closer to God.
This year has been one filled with joy and God’s light, and I am so thankful to be beginning another year where God will teach me even more! I look forward to His lessons, and am thankful that He is slowly wearing away the layers of sin that once engulfed me.

May your new year be filled with happiness and God’s presence!

Psalm 25:5, “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long!”

Long Lasting Joy

I have been contemplating a lot lately why the teenage generation is never happy. It seems that no iPod, television show, or clothing item is ever good enough, so they keep buying more and more stuff. It also seems like a typical teen’s time is often spent playing video games, reading the latest books, and watching television. So why is my generation so unhappy? We have all the modern conveniences, but still are not satisfied!

Then I realized that it is because the things they are filling their lives with only make them happy for a short time. Material possessions and wasted time are not going to fill the hole that eats them up inside. I don’t know why they think buying more stuff is going to make them feel better about themselves, but I know that it will only last a short time.

I also realized that happiness is only temporary. However, God’s joy is eternal. I have blogged before about my cousin Esther, and how much joy she brings to my aunt and uncle. The joy Esther has is because she now has parents who love her and are bringing her up in God’s light. This is the kind of joy that will last forever, because it is of God.

I know from personal experience that the afterglow of a good book, movie, or conversation only lasts for a little while before it fades into the forgotten. I wish I could capture my favorite moments in time and bottle them up to save forever, but the only way to do that is to allow God’s joy to penetrate everything.

One of the most joyful people I have ever met obviously has let the joy of God fill her life. Her husband died almost a year ago of ALS, and she has six children to take care of all by herself. I have never heard her complain, however, even though her life has been made immeasurably hard. She lets the joy of heaven seep into every crack of her life, and chooses to see the positive side of things rather than the depressing aspects that life has thrown at her.

It is very hard for me to choose to be positive all the time because I am not an overly cheerful person. I’m not saying I’m negative or cranky (well, sometimes), but I am definitely not a perpetually smiling person. This is definitely something I need to work on. I don’t really know how to be joyful all the time, but I am learning.

The Bible has lots to say on joyfulness, but one of my favorites is Psalm 5:11: But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them; that those who love your name may rejoice in you.” Because I love Jesus and am saved by His death on the cross, I have joy inside me. I don’t have to ever be sad or worried, because His joy overshadows my life.

I know how hard it is to stay positive all the time, but that is definitely something my generation needs to work on. There is a hole inside each of us that begs to be filled with something. You may choose to fill it with electronics or clothes, but Jesus is the only thing that will fulfill you completely. Choose to be content with what you have so that you may radiate the joy of Christ in everything you do. Although happiness lasts only moments, God’s joy will last forever.