Because He is Faithful

It’s late. Far too late. Why I’m writing this in the middle of the night is beyond me. Perhaps it is because I keep wavering between fear and excitement and I need to get my emotions down on paper.

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for: I finally get to submit my application
to nursing school!

I’m trying so desperately not to give in to the fear that threatens to overwhelm me.
I’ve learned throughout this last semester that trusting and obeying what God is telling me to do is absolutely the best way to relinquish my fears. I have been a witness to God’s faithfulness for so long, and I have especially seen it throughout this last semester.

My friends, God is SO good. I have been utterly blessed throughout this whole college experience, though at times it seemed so dark and scary. I have grown to be able to trust in what God is doing and how he can work through me in circumstances that seem hopeless. I’m not going to give into the fear that I so often succumb to. I’m choosing tonight to give this completely over to God: there is nothing more I can do but wait, trust, and continue to serve my Lord.

I received the following verses as blessings from my family and friends for my birthday, and they fit so well with this situation. Is it not incredible how you can read a verse a hundred times and yet one day it becomes even more meaningful?

“Cast your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you…” (1 Peter 5:7)

Lord, I have seen your faithfulness and the way you constantly watch over me. I have been delivered out of so many terrifying situations, and it is so evident that you care about everything that happens to me.

“Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word…” (Psalm 119:36-37)

Lord, I want only to do your will. I believe that nursing is the passion that you have placed in my heart, but ultimately I desire only to serve you. If nursing is not my path, then I trust you. If it is, then I trust you. Preserve my life, Lord, and direct me with your word.

“Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing…” (2 Timothy 2:21)

I am your vessel, Lord, and I will go where you send me. Let my ultimate desire be to serve you.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart, I will glorify your name forever…” (Psalm 86:11)

No matter what happens, Lord, I will serve you. With undivided attention, I will follow you.

“The Lord within her is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning he dispenses his justice and every new day He does not fail…” (Zephaniah 3:5)

You have been faithful before, you will be faithful again. I know you do not fail, Lord Jesus, and I trust myself in your hands.

“We’re being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life…” (Titus 2:12)

I praise you, Lord, for the life you have given me. Let my life be what You desire and let it honor you forever.

“The shaft of his spear was like a weaver’s beam, and his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron. And his shield bearer went before him…” (1 Samuel 17:7)

Lord, I do not need an army to protect me as Goliath required. I need only You to go before me and guide my steps.

“May the God of hope fill you will al joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit…” (Romans 15:13)

I have a hope and a peace, Lord! You will go before me and lead me onward. I have such a deep trust in the fact that your will is being done.

I trust you, Lord, and leave this in your hands. Thank you for your faithfulness and your incredible blessings.

May it be so!

On the Brink of the Future

Time flies by.

Tomorrow I begin my official college journey. To say I’m afraid barely scratches the surface! However, I know I can rest in the knowledge that this is where God is leading me and that nursing is a piece of the story God is writing for me.

My mom and I went and walked around campus to find my classes last week, and it hit me that this is my new reality: walking around a campus with thousands of people I don’t know, taking classes that will stretch and challenge my intellect, and spending hours and hours away from home.

While I am learning to look forward to many aspects of college (mostly the education part of it), it scares me to think that I’m going to be around so many people who don’t love Jesus. However, isn’t this a great opportunity to reach out to people and show them what the love of Jesus can really do?

I’m not an extrovert by any means, though I have come a long way since early high school. Meeting people is not my strong suit, but I have learned to love hearing other people’s stories. I’m purposing now to be friendly and make the effort to meet people so that maybe I can one day tell them about Jesus. I have such an enormous opportunity to make a difference, and aren’t I the one who said I want to change the world? Well, if I can change even one person’s world, it will have been worth it.

Lately, I have been clinging to this verse:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing,” James 1:2-3.

I know I will be facing many trials at college. There is a huge temptation to become stressed and overwhelmed. Exams are time-consuming and difficult. The nursing program is extremely competitive.

Yet, I am to count it all joy. God is asking me to tackle these trials with HIS help, and not rely on my own ability. If I don’t understand this concept, how will I be successful at college? When preparing for an exam, I am to count it as JOY. When a person attacks my personal beliefs, it is JOY. I’m not sure anyone can fully understand this concept, but I’m going to do my very best to live it.

I have to purpose now to tackle college with courage and joy with Jesus right by my side. If I jump into college life without taking God’s hand, I will simply be drowning in my own weakness.

So, dear readers, you are my witnesses:

I, Molly Michele promise to courageously walk into college with the purpose of reaching the lost, learning all that I can, and preparing for the future. I will maintain a positive attitude, count all trials as joy, and hold tightly to Jesus so that I do not wander from His path. I will allow this journey to refine me, making me what God sees as beautiful. I will allow myself to see God’s hand in my life, ever molding and shaping my character.

As I step out my front door tomorrow, I will not look back. Though I desire to stay home with my family, this is my new reality. I will not remain in the past, always discontent. I will walk forward with courage and purpose, joy flowing through me. College is an opportunity, an investment in my education, a tool of refining.

I’m on the brink of my future, and I will step forward in faith, holding tightly to my Jesus.

“Begin the day joyously, and let no shade of doubt come between you and the eternal sunshine…” – Charles Spurgeon.
Go

A Time of Preparation

This last week and a half has contained some of the best days of my life! I graduated, and was able to spend a great amount of time with family that I haven’t seen for awhile. It still hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m graduated and moving on to college. In some ways, I don’t want to, and yet I’m ready all at the same time. Confusing much?

This last week was spent with my sweet cousin Johanna, who I could not live without. Her wisdom and love for God always inspire me, and she and I had many long, deep conversations – some even lasting until three in the morning! I was so blessed by her and her wisdom, that it inspired me to write this post.

Many of our conversations this week focused on marriage and what we are looking for in the man we would one day want to marry. This question is often at the forefront of my thoughts, even though I know I’m still so young yet. However, if I’m not preparing to one day be a wife, how can I possibly be ready when that day does arrive?

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I’ve gone through long periods of confusion over whether I should go to college and pursue my dream of nursing. Well, I have finally decided that yes, God is calling me to go to the University of Northern Colorado, live at home, and earn my nursing degree through a lot of faith and perseverance. In many ways, I am very excited! I love to take care of people, and it is a profession that fits my personality exactly. At the same time, though, I’m facing a lot of fears and apprehension over this whole “college idea”.

And then it hit me. One day out of the blue, I finally realized why going to college has never been exciting for me. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me – why didn’t I get excited when I talked about college like so many of my friends did?

I finally realized that nursing is not what I desire most out of life. Truthfully, if God called me to another place or asked me to give up this dream, I would have very few regrets. I do love the idea of nursing, but it is not my deepest desire. Nursing is not what I dream about in my spare time, nor is it even at the top of my mind.

First and foremost, I desire to be a wife and mother. To me, there seems to be no greater gift or calling on my life that I could desire any more. Since I was very little, I always knew I wanted to be a mom – this was evidenced in my frequent playing of “bride” in my white dress and in the fact that I carried a doll everywhere. Many girls my age want to achieve their dreams and careers first before even considering the fact, but not me. I sometimes wonder how long God will ask me to wait before bringing a man of courage and character into my life. How long will it be until my deepest dreams will be fulfilled?

And yet here I am, making college plans and wondering what the future holds. Strangely, I’m more at peace than I think I have ever been. I’m feeling so blessed at this moment in everything that God has brought me through that I know deep down that, in this time of waiting, I’m called to go to school and to become the nurse that Jesus wants me to be. Sometimes I don’t understand and I question God’s judgment. And yet every time, I come to find that it is my lack of faith that causes these thoughts to cross my mind. I’m so grateful that God is revealing His plan to me, no matter how resistant I have been.

Yes, I desire to be married and have children (in fact, I want a very large family), but God is calling me to a time of trusting Him. I have no idea how long it will last, perhaps a year, perhaps thirty, but I know that the perfect man will come into my life at the exact moment that God has planned for me.

In the meantime, I have been going through several books that are teaching me to pray for my future husband and that are allowing me to dream, but to not try to run ahead of God. The pressure in our world today to have a relationship is huge – but I know that God is calling me to withstand that temptation until a man that I know I could marry comes into my life. This is a time of preparing, a time of waiting, a time of trusting that God is in control and that I am called to do His will in the meantime.

I want to know that on the day I walk down the aisle in a white dress staring into the eyes of a man I love, I have done everything God has asked of me in the meantime. So, as I head off to college and start my journey into adulthood, I plan on preparing myself to be a wife and mother as well as a nurse. I am not going to sit and waste time until my deepest dreams of being a wife are answered – I am going to stay busy in the meantime doing God’s work, allowing Him to work through me in whatever way He chooses. This is a great leap of faith for me, and yet I’m also releasing my fears to Him, and He is granting me security and a sense of peace as I tackle a new adventure.

Young women, remember always that God loves you with His whole heart – He will always be there for you, no matter how long your time of preparation and waiting is. Turn to Him and He will be the guidance that you need. “Friends who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5a). Let God be your beloved first, leaning on Him first, allowing Him to work through you first. Don’t jump ahead of God’s plan! In time, His whole plan will be revealed, and you will find that in the times of waiting, there was a specific purpose.

This is who I want to be: someone who is always preparing, always waiting on God, and always trusting that His will is what I am seeking. I want to be the woman who sought God through all her confusion only to find that He had written a beautiful love story for her that was revealed at just the right time.

“LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1

I've Been Here Before

If you have followed my blog for very long, or have known me for awhile, you may remember that last spring was a very difficult semester for me. Between a teacher that attacked me for my beliefs, being afraid of nursing school and its challenges, and never wanting to grow up, I had chosen to let all the pressures get to me and make me depressed and angry for a good portion of 2011. Well, after I realized my mistakes and was sweetly broken by my Savior, I made a promise to myself in my journal that I would never let myself get to that point of desperation, exhaustion, and anger again.

I would like to say that I’ve been 100% successful – but I haven’t.

These last months have been hard, and I’ve wanted to give up and forget nursing altogether. Once more, I’ve told myself that I can never be worth anything, and that I shouldn’t bother because it is just too hard.

I’ve been here before.

I’m at a point where all I can see is the bad in everything. I might have a good day at school, but all I can focus on is the one subject that I simply don’t like. I might have a good day at work, but I let myself remain angry at a person for some small reason. I might look outside and see the beautiful sunshine, and all I can think about is how much homework I have.

I’ve been here before.

When everything turns into a complaint or a source of anger, they why do I bother getting up in the morning? It would be better for me to keep to myself than to be horrible and burdensome to my family and friends. If I don’t allow myself to hope and see the future, then why should I go to college, become a nurse, work hard?

I’m telling you today, that without hope, life is extremely painful.

I haven’t let myself be happy in a very long time. I complain as I get up, I complain as I go to sleep. I haven’t allowed myself to except the joys, no matter how small, that God gives me each and every day. I don’t want to be an unhappy, angry, grudge-holding person – I don’t! And yet, this is exactly what I have become.

And I hate it.

I hate my attitude, I hate my actions, I hate the words that flow so easily from my mouth.

So I should just give up, right? I should realize that no matter what, I’m not perfect, and I should move on to something else.

I may have been here before, but I’m going to turn this around and change myself. I’m not going to give up, no matter how hard my life is right now.

Being a senior is so weird sometimes – it feels like you’re on the edge of a cliff almost ready to be pushed off, but you can’t quite leave and you can’t quite stay. It’s an in-between, it’s a transition. And it is so, so hard. Some days, I just want to move on to college, and other days I just want to be a little girl. No matter what, though, I’m going to tackle whatever it is that God has in store for me.

If I was to be completely open and honest, I would tell you that I do not like school. (Please understand that this does not include homeschooling – I only dread going to my community college classes.) I love to learn, but I do not like feeling like I am wasting my time on silly pre-requisites that have absolutely nothing to do with nursing. God has called me to be a nurse, and in my heart, I know it is what I want to do. I know I will love it, and yet I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I may have to take ridiculous classes that frustrate me to no end in order to get to the point where I can serve people in a hospital setting or on the mission field. In my mind, the excuse is always, “Why would God make me suffer through all the horrible things at college for FOUR YEARS? How could God possibly want me to do this?”

And yet I know. It’s for a bigger purpose. Did Jesus want to die on the cross? No. But did He obey because He trusted His Father? Yes. I want to be like that. I want to have that kind of faith. I can’t bear to keep going at this steady, downhill pattern that always ends up with tears and pain.

I’ve been here before.

But I’m not going to stay here.

Tonight, Lord, I give myself over to you once more. As the tears flow, I know God that you are here. Maybe I’ve lost my way for awhile. Maybe I’ve been forgetting to turn to you with my problems. I know I’ve been a complaining, grumpy jerk for the last months.

And I don’t want to be this way anymore.

You created me – and this person that is so unhappy? That is not me, Lord. That is only Satan trying to persuade me that I’m worthless, that I’m nothing, that I’m hopeless.

You’re picking me up, God, and I can feel you reassuring me. It’s so hard, Lord. So hard. I don’t like growing up, and I don’t always know why I have to do the things I have to do. But I want to listen to you always. I want you to be my hope and my future.

Take me where you will, Jesus. I lay myself once more at your feet, tears streaming down my face.

I have two more months of high school. Two more months until another journey begins.

I want to end it with joy, not pain and anger. I want to end it by bringing glory to your name.

I’m not worthless. I’m not a quitter. I’m here, Lord, come near to me. Be my guiding light and give me the wisdom to always turn back to you when I’ve lost my way.

I don’t like school, God, but that’s okay. I’ll survive as long as you are there. I want to be a nurse, God, I know I do! I’ve just lost my way and can’t remember the passion I used to have for helping people.

Break me, Father. I need you. Bring back to me the gentle and quiet spirit that I have so long tried to achieve.

Tonight, I promise to find the joys of life again.

Tonight, I promise to smile genuinely and to realize the many blessings I have been given. Oh, I am so selfish! How could I ever forget what God has done for me?

I’ve been here before.

But this time, I’m going to change.

Joy. Peace. Patience.

And most of all, resting in the arms of my Beloved Savior.

“Know also that wisdom is like honey for you:
If you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 24:14

““Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,
and many will court your favor.” Job 11:13-19

Nine Years Ago...

I can’t believe that it has been nine years since I became a Christian. I was eight years old, and I remember everything about that day so clearly. For months, I had been taking long walks around the neighborhood with my parents discussing all the aspects of God that I wanted to understand. I remember how on May 18, 2002, there was an urgency in my spirit that was crying out. I went to my parents and asked them with big tears in my eyes if I could be baptized. We invited some of the most important people in my life (my grandparents, first-grade teacher, and my family) to share in the celebration of the biggest decision I ever made.
This year has been a tough one for me. Between learning how to handle college-level courses, growing up, and getting treated unjustly on several different counts, my relationship with Jesus has grown in three main areas: Faith, Prayer, and Compassion.

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#1 – Faith.

I am not proud of the way I handled a lot of things this year, but I know that the tears that I cried late into the night were all for a reason. My college level classes stretched me not so much academically, but in learning how to deal with real-life situations. It was hard for me to go to class, hear all of the negative comments, foul language, and sad life-stories and not come home depressed or overwhelmed. Having a teacher that disagreed with me on almost every count did not help, either. However, I learned through this experience that, even in the hard times, it’s okay to let God take the lead.

There were about two weeks in April where I literally just lost it. I cried every day, and decided that I did not want to be a nurse. I screamed and shouted at God, demanding that he change the plan he has for me. I decided that college was not a Biblically sound choice for a woman and that if I went, I wouldn’t learn anything, and I would only be wasting time and money. And I decided this all in a two-week period where I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Yeah, that wasn’t a smart idea. Then one night, I listened to Britt Nicole’s song, “Have Your Way” at least eight times on the way home from work. I got home and just cried out to God, asking him to help me. I gave up my will, my wants, and my way and let him once more take the lead. Taking a leap of faith is not something I like to do, but I felt God call me so clearly, that I knew there was no other way. I had exhausted every other path, and come up with nothing but heartache and confusion. I do not know if God is still leading me to nursing, but I am confident that I can trust him, follow him, and let him lead me through every area of my life, whether I like it or not!

#2 – Prayer

I think prayer is the area of Christianity that I struggle with almost constantly. I get so distracted when I pray out loud, but I don’t go very deep if I only journal. I feel like I learned this year how to pray almost constantly; in the shower, in the car, at work, during school, and at dance. When I see someone who needs prayer, I have tried to just stop right there and pray for them. Maybe my prayers are not very long, but I try to make them meaningful. There have been countless opportunities for me to witness in the past few months, and I have been trying to take them all, making sure I reach the people who are in need. I know I will always struggle with prayer, but I am glad that I can always come to Jesus with the situations I am put in!

#3 – Compassion

I am not always a very compassionate person. Well, that’s not completely true…I can be very compassionate to young children, but I am not good at being compassionate with my siblings or adults. Inside my head, I often think, “Oh, brother…” or “Just get over it!” and I know these thoughts are not from God. I have tried to focus on being sweet and full of grace in every situation. Believe me, it’s NOT easy, and I am still working hard on it!

I saw a video clip this year entitled, “Every Life Has a Story.” It really enlightened me to the fact that those who treat me unfairly do it because of something else in their life. Perhaps they are only taking out their anger on me because they are truly angry at somebody else. I hate being treated with disrespect, and I have had too many instances this year in which I have gotten angry and lashed out at someone, only to find out that what they are going through is much worse than my situation. It hurts when people hurt you, but I promise, if you love them instead of retaliate, you will not feel awful later. This year, when I have been treated unfairly, I have asked God to rain down blessings upon that person. Somehow, asking God to bless, instead of curse, these people has helped me realize that their story may explain the reason why they are choosing to hate me. I may never know why, but if I choose to show compassion instead of hatred, I will be satisfied, and God will be pleased.

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May 18, 2011. My ninth spiritual birthday. Wow. God has helped me through so much in these nine years, and I can’t imagine what I will be able to say I have learned by next year.

I want to make an apology to my family. Mom, Dad, I’m sorry I’ve been disrespectful and scared about college and what I think God has in store for me. You are more often than not right about life, and I really will try to listen to what you have to say. I love you both so much. To Noah and Lexi, I love you both, and will try to show compassion toward you when you need it. I would do ANYTHING for you, and I pray we get to spend some quality time together in my last year of high school! To my Grandma and Grandpa, thank you for the extra love and care, and for taking me out to lunch to give me some good straight talking! You have no idea what an impact it has made on me.

And last of all, though certainly not least, I’m sorry Jesus for not trusting you. You are my God and King, and I will serve you until the end of my days.

Amen, amen!

Perfection

I don’t even know how to describe the last two months. It has been the hardest two months of my life, and I am not proud of the way I have handled it. I am not proud of the way that I have doubted God. I am not proud of the way that I finally landed at His feet. All I can say is how thankful I am for finally realizing something very important.

I really hate admitting my faults. I don’t think it is probably easy for anyone, but a lot of the time I don’t like to admit them to other people. What you probably don’t know, is that I internalize every mistake I make and then yell at myself inwardly for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. It doesn’t matter how big the mistake is, whether or not I’ve been forgiven, or even if it wasn’t my fault. I take everything personally and bottle everything up until I explode.

For the last two months, my schedule has looked like this:

Sunday: Church 8:00 AM (if on Worship Band, make that 7:00 AM). Homework. Rest.
Monday: Biology 105 9:00-11:30. Homeschool 12:00-2:00. Dance 5:00-7:00.
Tuesday: Homeschool 9:00-1:00. Study/Homework for Biology. Work until 9:00 or so.
Wednesday: Biology 105 9:00-11:30. Homeschool 12:00-2:00. Church 6:00. (Worship band until 9:30)
Thursday: Homeschool 9:00-1:00. Lab Report for Biology. Dance 4:00-6:00. Family time.
Friday: Homeschool 9:00-12:00. Lunch with Grandma/Grandpa. Work until about 10:00.
Saturday: Work most of day.

It is an understatement to say that I have been busy. I’ve told my parents that sometimes I feel like I have been so busy, I can’t do anything well. It bothers me to not have time to encourage my friends, play with my siblings, or even walk my dog. It bothers me that I often cut my quiet time short to sleep for five more minutes. None of these things are right, and I have let them slide because of everything else that I have to do.

I’ve made some pretty silly mistakes in the past couple of months, and I think I have blamed a lot of them on a lack of sleep. While something can be said for being a little stressed, it is not right for me to be taking out my stress level on my family. It’s not right that I cry myself to sleep just at the thought of everything that I have to do the next day.

Through all of this stress, I have also had to take the ACT and study for my upcoming SAT, prepare a 10 minute long presentation for Biology, and take three Biology tests, study for one more and a final. I came home bawling on Saturday because I was not happy with the way the ACT went. I don’t even have my scores yet, and I am already convinced that I have failed. Never before have I struggled with a standardized test, but now I feel like a stupid failure for running out of time during the math section, even though math happens to be my best subject.

Every comment from someone telling me that I need to do better, every mistake in something I do at work, every marked down lab report or exam from Biology translates into a failure in my mind. Why is it so hard for me to keep going? Why is it so hard for me to be able to let a past mistake go?

My mama figured it out. I have spent many nights lately crying and complaining to her. About a week ago, she said something that helped me find my way back to trusting God.

“Honey, you don’t have to be perfect!” my mom said.

Oh, right.

I don’t have to be perfect – in fact I never will be! There is no way on earth that I will be able to be perfect, and all God asks is that I do my best and follow Him! He is not asking me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, but to give my burden to Him, to trust HIM with my troubles.

Isn’t it interesting that Satan is attacking and wearing me down with perfection? Isn’t it interesting how my need to be perfect has only made me less than before?

My cry tonight as I once more turn over my burden to God is the following:

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint!” Isaiah 40:28-31.

When I am weary Lord, take my burden and keep me from falling. I will not grow weary, for you are with me.

“’Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46:10-11

You are God, not me. Let me hear your whisper in the breeze, and not get caught up in the clamor of the world.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

Here is my burden, Lord. Take it from me and give me the sweet rest that my soul is craving!

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O Jacob, O little Israel for I myself will help you, declares the Lord, your Redeemer the holy one of Israel.” Isaiah 41:10.

I remember when my parents used to read this verse to me when I was afraid of the dark, Lord. I remember when that was all I ever had to fear. My troubles may be a little bigger now, but God you are still big enough to take care of them!

“O Lord God of heaven the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel.” Nehemiah 1:5-6.

My prayer reaches your ears, God, and I know you have heard my cry. Thank you for always being attentive to me.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11.

God, you are watering me and bringing me to life again. Thank you for reviving me with your loving kindness.

“If perfection could have been attained through the Levitical priesthood (for on the basis of it the law was given to the people) why was there still need for another priest to come – one in the order of Melchizedek, not in the order of Aaron?” Hebrews 7:11.

Jesus, I don’t need to be perfect because you are. I will strive to be all that I can be, but I will not take the weight of the world alone. I will bring it to you through prayer and allow you to carry me through this life.

I don’t need to be perfect. God has it covered. I will be okay, and will learn more than I ever imagined through this. God is with me, and all I have to do is my best – nothing more, nothing less.

I cannot be perfect by my own power. Only by His power will I be able to trust. Only by His love will I be able to continue.

I’m not perfect.

But God is.

He Can

There are a lot of things that I am struggling with right now. Not necessarily huge things, but they are things that are challenging me all the same. Many times when I have confided in someone, they respond with the usual, “You can do it!” But guess what?

I can’t.

Nope, not at all. I’m not being negative here, I’m just stating the fact. I am a sixteen year old girl that can’t do anything. By myself, that is… Thankfully, God can do what I am unable to do, and I could not be more grateful to Him.

This week I really struggled with the classes I am taking at the college this year. I have been very intimidated by English and Sociology, mostly because I feel so YOUNG. I was confident that I could succeed in the classes – until I started them, anyway. When I began my sociology class, I began to see all the different and strange opinions that these college students have. Sure, some of them agree with mine, but the majority of the opinions differ greatly from my opinions on life, faith, and God. I cried several times over the fact that this class is HARD. I felt totally unprepared for the strange topics I was given to write about. My mom helped me figure the class out, and I spent a few hours working on it. Through those hours, I prayed on and off for God’s help in this class. “God, help me be a witness. God, please help me to get a good grade. God, don’t let them be mad at me!” – these were the prayers running through my head. And then I realized something.

I can’t do this by myself. I am UNABLE. But, God can. He can help me when I feel afraid, when my beliefs are attacked, and when I am downcast. I can’t do it on my own!

I can’t, but He can.

There was also a time this week when I had to defend my faith harder than I have ever had to before. I argued and rationalized and witnessed for several hours, not realizing that I was missing a very important element. I was trying to witness and get this person to realize how very real God is, and I was trying to do this all by myself.

And guess what? I can’t. It is not up to me to convince a person to believe in God. It is not up to me to make someone believe. That is what God can do. It is NOT MY JOB. I am a messenger, yes, and I am here to plant seeds, but ultimately God will have to change that person’s heart.

I can’t, but He can.

Sometimes I feel very alone. Very scared. Very confused. Yes, I have friends, but a lot of times I do not call on them, or they are busy. I huddle in my room and throw a pity party, not realizing something very important.

I can’t face the trials in my life alone. I can’t do it BY MYSELF. I will be lonely all my life if I do not turn to Jesus when I am afraid.

I can’t do it alone, but He can help me.

I am so thankful that I am not alone. I have no words to describe the wonderful feeling of trust, faith, and hope all wrapped up in my love for Jesus and His love for me. I am so glad that God is big enough to save me from my sins. To save ME, a helpless and incapable young girl from loneliness.

Thank you, Jesus.

I can’t, but You can.