Why I Believe in Courtship

There’s an article popping up all over my Facebook newsfeed entitled “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed” and I simply cannot let this one go without saying something.

If I’m being honest, this article really upset me. The author took courtship out of context and attached his opinion to it without any proof. Though he may say that “more courtships end in divorce” and phrases such as this, there are no statistics or facts to back this up. Be careful my friends, of articles that come on strong, with big words and judgmental stances yet do not have proof or a balanced view. I also caution young people to carefully think over the author’s advice at the end of the article where he asks you to talk to your parents about “why you want to date” instead of court – yes, talk with your parents about your thoughts and feelings, but be careful not to manipulate or dishonor your parents.

I’m not here to tell you that I only believe in courtship. I don’t. I’m not here to tell you that if you liked that article you’re wrong. I’m here to tell you from my experience and from my study as a daughter of Jesus how courtship has changed my life and my view of romance.

For years, I longed to love. I didn’t ever have a boyfriend or go on dates, and I had long determined in my heart that I would save dating for a time when I was mature enough to handle it, and for a time when I found a man that I would be willing to work on developing a relationship with over time. I was not interested in the “date a bunch of people until you know what you want” theory, as I just saw it as a chance to have my heart broken time after time. I do not believe that dating a bunch of people helps people to make up their minds about “what they want”. After all, isn’t it about what God wants for us? Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” This was sort of a go-to verse for me, and reminded me to constantly keep my heart aligned with God’s will and not get over-zealous about the things that are not life-giving. For me, I find that being focused on Jesus and what he is asking of me is the only way for me to guard my heart from all the distractions that this world has to offer.

Relationships require work. I don’t know anyone in this world who would disagree with that! Love is a beautiful sort of work that requires effort, attention, and 150% dedication. How can one apply this to a relationship when they only go on one date with a person before moving on to the next? I do understand that sometimes one date is all it is going to require before you know that you will never go out with that person again, and I don’t disagree with that. However, intentionally looking for many people to date seems to defy God’s purpose for marriage. Our God is a very intentional God – His plan is perfect and He knows our end and our beginning. From Creation, God created one woman for Adam, He did not give him a handful to choose from. God knew who Adam was to have, and He gave her to him. I want to be able to put all of my effort and all my might into a focused goal, and I believe that one relationship is all you need to be able to learn how to love and cherish and learn God’s plan for marriage.

I met a man two years ago who asked to pursue a courtship with me. I said yes. For years, I had determined in my heart that God had a courtship in store for me. I didn’t really know what that looked like, I didn’t know anybody who had yet gone through one, yet I believed strongly that God was asking me to wait on him. I waited on his timing, and he brought me a beautiful love story. No, it doesn’t always work this way. There is no perfect formula for dating/courtship/marriage, and you must listen to God when he asks you to obey. Our courtship is beautiful, and we are constantly seeking advice and wisdom from those around us who have been through the hills and valleys that come with relationships, and we are earnestly seeking God’s will for a marriage between us. Our courtship is beautiful, and it is God-driven. There is intentionality that focuses our relationship and keeps us yoked together, pulling in the same direction. Having a purpose for your relationship is critical: God does not ask us to make many plans in our heart, but to listen to His purpose (Proverbs 19:21).

I truly feel that having many casual relationships is dangerous. Chasing after a “good time” and doing what’s “normal” and “having fun” are not the focus of God’s plan for us. Does God create fun and joy? Of course, but to say that having fun is more important than a serious relationship as this article says is not Biblical. I believe that the belief that dating is only for fun comes from our world’s humanistic view of how to have a good time. One does not need to be on a date to have joy, and having fun is not a critical part of life.

God does not ask us to try out ten different gods before we choose him, why would we say it’s the same with dating? If God has set a plan in motion, why not seek out that plan rather than trying ten others first? Obedience to God is the most important factor, and if He is asking you to wait on Him, I believe that is much better in the long run, and you should not chase after all the things under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:14). Relationships that die in a day are meaningless, and don’t encourage long-lasting relationships.

God calls us to be stewards, and I view myself as a steward of the heart and purity that God gave me. I believe that I am to guard my heart and not give pieces of it away with relationships. By being intentional with relationships, the pieces of my heart are not given away to the wrong people, and my purity is guarded. I am a steward of the love God has placed in me, and I am to save it and give it wisely to a man I can love until death.

While my boyfriend and I have been courting, we have come across people who do not understand us at all. Honestly, that’s fine. We don’t care! We love to tell our story and help people see what makes our relationship special and how we have done things differently. However, along with that come some misconceptions.

1. We don’t date. – This is just simply not true. Even though we call this a courtship, we go on dates, sometimes in a group, sometimes just the two of us. We get to know each other through these interactions and have had great talks. Dating is important to get to know each other, and I am not at all opposed to dinner every week together!

2. It’s always awkward. – This is one of the funniest comments I had from someone: “Isn’t it always awkward to try to be moving toward marriage?” Uh, no. Having marriage be the purpose of our relationship opens up many conversations. We are able to talk about what we want out of marriage and what we believe God is leading to, because that has been our intention from the start. No awkward “I wonder if he likes me, maybe he’ll propose someday” thoughts, but an ability to talk about anything and it’s completely normal! Yes, it was awkward at first to talk about marriage and the future, but now it’s a daily subject!

3. Purity Rules are Obsessive. – This one’s not entirely true. We do have “rules” we have set for ourselves regarding purity because we believe that it is important to God. We vigilantly guard our purity, but we do not obsess about it and make it the only focus of our relationship. It is vital to maintain this purity, but it doesn't have to be done in a way that is all-consuming. We don’t have them written out or set in stone, but we know what is expected of each other and how we should interact. We are careful in our touch, and we listen to the people we love and trust when they have a suggestion. This doesn’t mean we are legalists and anti-affection, but that we are careful to remain pure and holy in God’s sight.

4. It’s going to end in marriage. – Courtship does not always end in marriage just as dating does not always end in marriage. It’s different for everyone, but courtship allows both parties to be able to talk about whether the relationship is going in a direction or staying stagnant. My boyfriend and I made a commitment at the beginning that if it was not going to lead to marriage, we would end the relationship to protect our hearts from becoming any more entangled and emotionally connected. This allowed us to be honest about our feelings, and to protect our hearts from becoming involved in something that would never lead anywhere.

5. It’s always intense. – Simply not true. Yes, we have purpose. Yes, we have a direction. Is that a bad thing? We still have a lot of days that are spent just laughing and enjoying each other’s company. It’s not all marriage-talk all the time, and it’s not all serious all the time. We have learned how to just be ourselves and take each day’s challenges in our stride and work through them together as best we can. We are learning how to take the serious bits of life and find the God-given joy throughout.

6. It’s always hard. – No, courtship is not always hard. Relationships are hard work, but I never view them as a trial. Relationships are a blessing, and a way for God to work in us and teach us compassion for others. Life can be hard, therefore relationships are hard, but if you look at the blessings and joy that come from them, they balance out every difficult thing we go through.

7. Parents control the relationship. – My parents and my boyfriend’s parents are heavily involved in the relationship, because we asked them to be. They do not control us, but they give us wisdom when we ask, advice when we need it, and direction when we are lost. Our parents are wise and God-fearing, and we trust them to help steer us in the way we should go, because they have raised us this far, and we love them. “Honor your father and mother, for this is right…”
This courtship has been the most amazing experience of my life, and I truly believe that this was God’s will for my life. A relationship with direction is assuring and leads to loyalty and trust, while many short relationships can lead to doubt and confusion. I am not here to tell you that courtship is the only way – I ask only that you will read this and find a new perspective.

I have been in a courtship for two years, and I don’t believe anyone would tell me that I should have dated a bunch of people instead.

“Let no one look down on you because you are young, but sent an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

A Time of Preparation

This last week and a half has contained some of the best days of my life! I graduated, and was able to spend a great amount of time with family that I haven’t seen for awhile. It still hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m graduated and moving on to college. In some ways, I don’t want to, and yet I’m ready all at the same time. Confusing much?

This last week was spent with my sweet cousin Johanna, who I could not live without. Her wisdom and love for God always inspire me, and she and I had many long, deep conversations – some even lasting until three in the morning! I was so blessed by her and her wisdom, that it inspired me to write this post.

Many of our conversations this week focused on marriage and what we are looking for in the man we would one day want to marry. This question is often at the forefront of my thoughts, even though I know I’m still so young yet. However, if I’m not preparing to one day be a wife, how can I possibly be ready when that day does arrive?

If you have read my blog for very long, you know that I’ve gone through long periods of confusion over whether I should go to college and pursue my dream of nursing. Well, I have finally decided that yes, God is calling me to go to the University of Northern Colorado, live at home, and earn my nursing degree through a lot of faith and perseverance. In many ways, I am very excited! I love to take care of people, and it is a profession that fits my personality exactly. At the same time, though, I’m facing a lot of fears and apprehension over this whole “college idea”.

And then it hit me. One day out of the blue, I finally realized why going to college has never been exciting for me. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me – why didn’t I get excited when I talked about college like so many of my friends did?

I finally realized that nursing is not what I desire most out of life. Truthfully, if God called me to another place or asked me to give up this dream, I would have very few regrets. I do love the idea of nursing, but it is not my deepest desire. Nursing is not what I dream about in my spare time, nor is it even at the top of my mind.

First and foremost, I desire to be a wife and mother. To me, there seems to be no greater gift or calling on my life that I could desire any more. Since I was very little, I always knew I wanted to be a mom – this was evidenced in my frequent playing of “bride” in my white dress and in the fact that I carried a doll everywhere. Many girls my age want to achieve their dreams and careers first before even considering the fact, but not me. I sometimes wonder how long God will ask me to wait before bringing a man of courage and character into my life. How long will it be until my deepest dreams will be fulfilled?

And yet here I am, making college plans and wondering what the future holds. Strangely, I’m more at peace than I think I have ever been. I’m feeling so blessed at this moment in everything that God has brought me through that I know deep down that, in this time of waiting, I’m called to go to school and to become the nurse that Jesus wants me to be. Sometimes I don’t understand and I question God’s judgment. And yet every time, I come to find that it is my lack of faith that causes these thoughts to cross my mind. I’m so grateful that God is revealing His plan to me, no matter how resistant I have been.

Yes, I desire to be married and have children (in fact, I want a very large family), but God is calling me to a time of trusting Him. I have no idea how long it will last, perhaps a year, perhaps thirty, but I know that the perfect man will come into my life at the exact moment that God has planned for me.

In the meantime, I have been going through several books that are teaching me to pray for my future husband and that are allowing me to dream, but to not try to run ahead of God. The pressure in our world today to have a relationship is huge – but I know that God is calling me to withstand that temptation until a man that I know I could marry comes into my life. This is a time of preparing, a time of waiting, a time of trusting that God is in control and that I am called to do His will in the meantime.

I want to know that on the day I walk down the aisle in a white dress staring into the eyes of a man I love, I have done everything God has asked of me in the meantime. So, as I head off to college and start my journey into adulthood, I plan on preparing myself to be a wife and mother as well as a nurse. I am not going to sit and waste time until my deepest dreams of being a wife are answered – I am going to stay busy in the meantime doing God’s work, allowing Him to work through me in whatever way He chooses. This is a great leap of faith for me, and yet I’m also releasing my fears to Him, and He is granting me security and a sense of peace as I tackle a new adventure.

Young women, remember always that God loves you with His whole heart – He will always be there for you, no matter how long your time of preparation and waiting is. Turn to Him and He will be the guidance that you need. “Friends who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?” (Song of Songs 8:5a). Let God be your beloved first, leaning on Him first, allowing Him to work through you first. Don’t jump ahead of God’s plan! In time, His whole plan will be revealed, and you will find that in the times of waiting, there was a specific purpose.

This is who I want to be: someone who is always preparing, always waiting on God, and always trusting that His will is what I am seeking. I want to be the woman who sought God through all her confusion only to find that He had written a beautiful love story for her that was revealed at just the right time.

“LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1

Labors of Love

Next year I will be a Junior in high school, and I have begun to think about college, where I want to go, what I want to do, and if I even am going to go to college. There are a lot of decisions ahead of me, and I have been thinking and praying over them a lot.

However, the subject of college and graduating is not what has been first and foremost on my mind. Strangely enough, I have been thinking a lot about motherhood.

As my family celebrated Mother’s Day this last Sunday, I watched my mom and realized how much she does for her family. In truth, mothers should be celebrated every day, not only once a year! My mom is so amazing and wonderful, and I hope that one day I can be a mother just like her.

As I watched her converse and play with my siblings, I began thinking about the days ahead when I would be a mother to my own children.

Honestly, I cannot wait.

In a world where motherhood is sometimes dreaded and considered a burden, I look forward to staying home with my children, homeschooling them, and teaching them about the everlasting love of Jesus. I love children of all ages, and I simply cannot stop thinking with excitement about my future.

Several weeks ago, we had some dear friends come up who have two young girls (“E”, age 4, and “S”, age 2). The youngest latched on to me immediately, and I was able to carry her around, playing with her all day long. She was so sweet, and when I asked her what her favorite part of the day was, she looked up at me with her big green/brown eyes and said, “My favorite part was makin’ cookies wif you, Miss Mowwy!” It melted my heart, and made me wonder if one day my own child would say that to me. That night, S couldn’t go to sleep, so I took her in my arms and began singing hymns softly in her ear, stroking her hair, and whispering words of comfort until she finally drifted off to sleep. That was such a tender experience, that it made me think about the many nights where I will sing my own children to sleep with words from soft, happy hymns that my mom always sang to me when I was scared.

Last week, my mom was very sick, and had to stay in bed. My dad was at work, so I was helping my siblings with school and making dinner. At first, I dreaded it, but then realized that my mom does it every day without complaining while juggling whatever other problems we currently had. Cooking, cleaning, and teaching are all labors of love that my mom so sweetly goes about doing every day without a single word of protest or selfishness. So, as I made quiche and muffins, I remembered that every step of mothering is a labor of love.

Even the most unpleasant things, like changing diapers, working through sickness, and cooking when tired are small sacrifices that are made all in the name of motherhood. Somehow, my mom has taught me to look forward to every chore, without complaining, and they become enjoyable. Motherhood is something I look forward to every day, whether it is doing the dishes or rocking a fussy baby to sleep.

One day, my dreams will come true, and I look forward to that day already, even though I am only sixteen.

The Presence of Him

It made me shiver. I was awestruck, scared, and yet very happy. I lifted my hands in worship and just stood there for the entire song wondering what I should do. I felt like I had a choice. I could jump from my ledge of security and take that one step into the completely foreign world of wonder, or I could take a step back and hold onto the familiar.

That was the first time that I had felt God’s presence with absolute certainty. There was no doubt in my mind that God was lifting me in His arms and holding me close to His heart. He was trying to tell me something, but He was asking me to first trust Him completely.

I seriously was about to fall over with the amazement that wracked my body. I was in absolute awe at what I was experiencing, and wanted to just stand still and stay there forever. The decision God was asking me to make left thoughts churning in my head. I wondered what I should do, and I once again felt a gentle nudge from God telling me in no uncertain words that He wanted me to leap into His arms with no doubt left in my body.

This decision was one I have been holding back from for a very long time. I was comfortable where I was in my little bubble, and didn’t want anything to change. Lately, though, I have felt God nudging me toward a deeper relationship with Him.
For a long time, I prayed my normal, rote prayer (“Thank you for this day and for everything you’ve given me. Please help this person and that person…”), and even skimmed my Bible instead of studied it. About six months ago, however, I made the decision to try to work as hard as possible to further my relationship with Jesus.
It was not easy for me to make some of the changes that I did, but it has overall been a wonderful thing.

When I went to church and felt God’s all-consuming presence, I knew that He was pleased with my efforts. I knew that God wanted me to keep drawing closer to Him. I knew that God was there, and that He wanted me to leap off my ledge of comfort and fall into His arms. There was no doubt in my mind that God was there, and I felt like God was confirming my faith over and over again.

That experience has changed something inside me. I no longer want to stay comfortable; I want to spread the love of God so that others may have an experience like that, too. If only I could make people feel God in the way that I did, I am sure even the strongest atheist could believe in my Lord.

So jump off that ledge! Don’t take time to analyze what will happen, just do it! God will catch you in the arms that created the universe. All you have to do is take that first step. He loves you, and will not let you fall. I hope one day you can have an experience like I did. It is amazing and scary at the same time, but I would not trade that one moment for all the chocolate in the world. But my story is not over.

There were so many emotions running through my body, making my fingers tingle and my arms shake a little while raised in worship. I decided to take that step toward the unknown, and I was no longer afraid to do it. As I leapt off my ledge, I could feel God catching me. In that amazing moment, I heard the God of the universe say four words that have resonated throughout my entire being since that experience. All He had to say to me was summed up in those four words, and I have the need to find proof that He exists. I am absolutely certain now, that He is there in heaven and on earth. And that amazing revelation was summed up in four words. Those words were, “Molly, I love you.”

Life from a spanked child

I have met countless people who do not spank their children. Most of them believe it is a form of abuse, and should not be used on kids. I was spanked when I was younger, and I never found it to be a form of abuse. Although, I didn’t like it - who would? It’s supposed to be a punishment, right? - it was probably the most effective form of punishment I ever experienced. I never felt like my mom or dad was beating me, because they always did it out of love, not anger. I’m sure that there are many instances when a parent is angry and spanks their child for the wrong reasons, but my parents are not included in that group. When I did something wrong, I would be sent to the bathroom, and I would wait there for several minutes. I never knew why I had to wait so long, but I now know that it was because my parents would calm themselves so they could discipline me in a loving manner. It always brought out true repentance in my heart, and I always felt better after I was disciplined accordingly.

My parents are probably the best disciplinarians I have ever met! They are able to come up with many creative forms of discipline that help my siblings and I to understand what we did wrong, and more importantly, how to correct it. My mom came up with a real winner when I was in first grade. I was a very grumpy child in first grade, because I was bored to death. I was still in public school at that time, and, if you’ve ever experienced first grade, it is all about learning how to read. I was so bored with all the phonics, as I had learned to read two years earlier. My teacher, who was a very nice lady, couldn’t give me the attention that I needed, so she sent me out in the hall with a book and a worksheet about it. I spent much of my time in the hall reading all by myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to read, and would have much rather been out in the hall than in the classroom, but I was very lonely. By the end of the day, I was a real grump. I know that is no excuse for being grumpy, but it is true. Well, one day, I really got up on the wrong side of the bed, and was not being very nice to anyone. My mom came to me, and very calmly said, “Molly, I want you to go in the bathroom and sing ‘This is the Day’ at the top of your lungs until you can be happy.” This terrified me. I was not a very loud child, and I did NOT sing in public. I know now that my mom did this out of love, but back then, I was mad. I obeyed, but I highly doubt that I was happy about it. I went in the bathroom and began singing very softly, “This is the day, this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. I will rejoice, I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it.” Pretty soon, Mom’s voice filters in saying, “Molly, I can’t hear you. Sing a bit louder!” I don’t really remember the rest of the story, but Mom told me many years later that she could hardly keep herself from laughing as my voice boomed out into the house! It sure is funny! (Now anyway…)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to someone’s house to babysit and they begin going down a list of instructions. “Give the baby her bottle at 7:00.” “Put him to bed at 8:00.” “Make sure he eats his dinner.” All of these are just part of babysitting, but my least favorite one to hear is, “Oh, you won’t have to worry about spanking. We don’t do that.” When I hear these words, a groan wells up inside me. I know that the children will not be on their best behavior if I have no means of discipline. (This is not true for all un-spanked children. I have met some wonderful ones.) I have tried “time out”, and was even subject to it myself several times, but I can tell you from personal experience, it is not very effective. For me, I always just waited out the timer, said I was sorry, but never really felt like I was truly sorry for my mistakes. I’m sure it works on many children, but it did not work on me. I really didn’t mind being in time out; it did not really feel like a punishment.

Please don’t get me wrong… I’m sure that some of these methods work on many children. This blog is just from my personal experience with different methods of discipline. If you choose to spank, please make sure you do it out of love, not anger. Trust me, the child is able to tell. I think one of the hardest things to understand as a child is when your parents discipline you out of love. Talk to your children, and help them understand that you discipline them because you love them. Remember Proverbs 13:24: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” I am not a mom, and I do not know how hard it is to spank a child (although I’m sure I will find out someday), but please consider your decision carefully. Another good verse is Proverbs 23:13 which says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

If I could thank my parents for only one thing, it would be for spanking me when I was younger. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for giving me the correction I needed out of love and not out of anger. I love you very much.